10 Things You Should Do in College to Become Happily Rich and Successful

1. Learn software engineering: HTML, CSS, Python, Rails, JavaScript, C, etc. Every company needs a front end or back end engineer. You can live anywhere in the world and rake in a six-figure salary. This will allow you to live in a one bedroom East Village apartment and buy all the Alexander Wang you can dream of while your artist friends try to make rent by selling their H&M clothes from last season at Buffalo Exchange.

2. Work on a battery: household, car, or human (see Elon Musk).

3. Break-up with your boyfriend before you study abroad in Paris. Before you throw up as he proposes next to the Saint Lawrence River in Quebec City. Before you lose yourself in a six-year relationship. Before you end up alone, lost, and hopeless in Brooklyn Heights with a tub of bacon and the dating skills of a llama.

4. Acquire an oil storage facility (see oil production 2015).

5. Learn French by dating a French man or multiple French men.

6. Don’t ever let a man tell you that you can’t get a pixie hair cut. Or that you’re not allowed to see your friends, at 9 PM, on a Sunday night, to drink orange juice and paint your fingernails. Dump him. Dump him fast.