9 Things I Learned About Grief (that will Get You Through the Worst)

At the Station Inn, Nashville, 1995. Before.

When I was 24, my boyfriend, John, fell down an elevator shaft and died. He was 29.

The jolt of that loss created a fissure in my life as it was just getting started.

Before, after.

John was the closest person to me. His death was so devastating and disorienting that I wanted to go with him, wherever it was he went. Pain consumed me and I feared it might get worse. It did, for a while, and then it eased, slowly.

In time, I adjusted to a world without John. It was a rough road, but I hung on, white knuckling through the worst and fumbling through the rest. Much of what I experienced is not unique. Those of us who grieve have different stories and beliefs, but we travel similar bumpy paths.

I’m sharing my learnings and observations with you in hopes they offer comfort. Bottom line: You’ll get through this. And you’re not as alone as you think.

1. Week 1 is a rapid journey through hell. First, it feels like someone knocked the wind out of you. Some people fall to the floor, screaming from the impact of the punch. Some people throw up. Some stare at the wall, stone faced. However you react, it’s normal.

You won’t have much time to recover from the initial wallop, though, before you’re faced with a litany of tasks. You may have to plan a memorial service and/or funeral. You might have to attend to the deceased’s empty house, finances, stacks of bills, or children. You might have to write an obituary, field phone calls from friends and family, and answer the door when people show up with food.

If you’re free from these responsibilities, you might get more attention than you’re used to at a really bad time. You might have to attend a funeral and/or memorial service. To do that, you might have to book a flight, find a place to stay, and pack.

During this busy phase, you may think you’re managing way better than you thought. Hooray! I dressed myself! That’s one of the advantages of shock. It keeps you numb so you can function — for a little while, at least.

The phone rang around midnight. Several minutes later, Stacey, my roommate, stepped into my bedroom. After making sure I was awake, she…