Sustaining white antiracism requires real cross-racial connection and relationship
Don’t worry. This will not be yet another essay lamenting the sometimes performative nature of white antiracist activism since the killing of George Floyd. First, we already have enough of those, most of which amount to the woke-scolding of racial justice newcomers by those who think making folks feel shitty for an admittedly simplistic Instagram post will help grow the movement. Hint: It won’t. Neither will insisting that white outrage now is meaningless because it didn’t emerge in sufficient amplitude five or 10 or 20 or 400 years ago. …
The story of how he wound up in a dangerous compound—and how he escaped
I was so young when my dad started telling me his cult stories that I don’t think I even knew what a cult was. In a way, I still don’t. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized how unique it was to have a father who regaled his young daughter with vivid narratives from his early life, much less one who survived an adolescence as gripping and gut-wrenching as his.
Now 65, my dad doesn’t look like the stereotype of a traumatized ex-cultist who came of age under the baleful reign of a charismatic leader. Today, Dr…
The mental calculations helping me make sense of my grief
I think I knew she was dead before I knew she was dead. But the human mind is a stretchy and abstract thing when confronted with particular combinations of variables.
9:00 Saturday night, early January: My friend’s husband calls. She is “missing.” She has been missing for about 21 hours. We begin the math: They won’t look for her until it’s been 24 hours. He’ll wait three more hours to call. Could I try to contact her?
I text her and then stare at my phone, waiting for the message to flip from “delivered” to “read,” because she always uses…
This Is Us
Culture taught me to pursue love, then sex, then marriage — but that formula has never worked for me
I don’t remember the first time I said “I love you” to a partner. I know it was my first boyfriend, but I have no memory of saying it to him. I also have no memory of him saying it to me, though I’m sure he did.
I’m not sure I actually loved him. He pursued me and I surrendered. No one had ever taught me that it was okay to say no to something I didn’t want — not to dating and not to sex. So we dated and somehow, over time, I came to… what? Did I love…
Lived Through This
Sometimes our bodies are best left alone
For several years in my twenties, the main thing I did was itch. And scratch.
The “itch cycle,” they call it. Irritants cross the skin barrier, causing the sensitization of immune cells. When you scratch, your nails damage the surface barrier of the skin, allowing more allergens to enter. And thus more itching. And scratching. And itching again. This is why it’s a cycle.
As an affliction, itching seems so trivial. A minor irritation to the skin. It isn’t a broken leg or cancer. Those are ailments you can deploy surgeons and research toward. No one calls 911 over an…
Humans 101
It’s one of our most innate and reliable guides
“Would you take a pill that removed your boredom forever?”
I almost said “yes.” Boredom is excruciating. Doing nothing — meditating, sunbathing, kicking down the cobblestones — is lovely. Boredom is an unscratchable itch layered on top of that glorious nothing. Who needs that?
I almost said “yes,” but I know the trickery of thought experiments. I hedged: “Yes, if it doesn’t change anything else about my life.”
“Oh, but that’s the point. What do you think it would change?”
Last summer, I wanted to paint this gorgeous view:
As usual before starting a landscape, I tallied the things I…
Lived Through This
It took healthy love to appreciate the abuse I had excused
“Just a heads up, I might write about our relationship,” I recently said to my boyfriend. “But I promise I won’t do it without your permission.”
“Consent,” he said.
“What?”
“Without my consent,” he repeated. “You don’t need my permission to do anything.”
“Oh. Right,” I said, laughing a little, and we exchanged the knowing look — a tender, amused wince — that has become commonplace in our relationship. The look is a mutual acknowledgment that I am really fucked up. Or, to be kinder to myself (which is on my self-care list!), …
Humans 101
Or, what I learned from 100 people over 50
‘Wisdom comes with age’ is not just an aphorism. Life experience is one of our greatest teachers. As we move through life, we accumulate wisdom about who we are, what’s really important, and how we can live productively and happily.
With this in mind, I recently polled about 100 people, all over the age of 50, for advice on making the most of life. I studied their comments, looking for the particular mental attitude or belief underlying each one. …
The mysteries of my universe can be summed up with those two words
All women in this yoga class. The instructor, seated on a block, says, “Lunar cycle.” This is code for menstruation. To be on your lunar is to be bleeding, hopefully not through your yoga pants.
In the fifth grade, pencil marks on a large pink eraser. Mandy. This is her homeroom desk. I sit here for Language Arts. We write notes to each other on the pink eraser. Short notes. We are never in class together, but we see each other at lunch and on the playground. Mandy is tall and strong. A big girl. We start out with simple…
Planet Soul
Weekly horoscopes from astrologer Rob Brezsny
