A Christmas Lyft to IHOP

“hey sorry i haven’t returned your texts. i’ve been in a really bad place recently (denver).” — @kassoysauce

I saw my baby sister crawl across the white kitchen tile in her diaper and take a drink from the dog’s bowl.

It was the first joke Mal ever told.

Now, even her Twitter name is always my favorite joke on the internet: “Paul Blart Mal Cop.” “Mal Gore.” “Father…