Member-only story
PERSONAL ESSAY
A Knee-Deep Insanity in -28°C
A brief note on fighting a snowstorm with a new headlamp and rented skis
It’s minus twenty-eight degrees Celsius, and I haven’t seen the tip of my skis for over an hour. I left the cabin under a calm sky, but the snowfall escalated the further up I went. Now I’m knee-deep, treading squeaky snow one step at a time. The bright light from the headlamp bounces on a tireless white curtain while ghostly shadows do a “Danse Macabre” among the trees. It’s close to midnight, and I’ve been pushing through on this highland route for almost three hours.
My wife called me stubborn as I started dressing for the second lap. I had already done the route during our short daylight window, and now I wanted to know what it would be like using my new headlamp — a reason good as any to keep my mind off things. The physical strain is a release, a clearance of the mind’s tendency for detours, or a callback to zero. Dark letters on a blank page, rebuilt to keep a story going.
I’m here to prove a point.
Six months earlier, I stood on set for a German movie where I played the secret lover in a mother-daughter story. To me, the script was simple in its parts, and I dared myself I could do it better. So here I am in the highlands of northern Sweden, writing a movie about love, insanity, and beaches. What better place to be than in snow-covered darkness?
I assume she’s worried, and I need to be back before she starts calling whoever she thinks she needs to call. Pride will help you fix bad choices, and I will not be one of those brought home with a snowmobile.
Everything I’m grabbing onto now is from the local ski shop. And even if I’m far better off compared with the ill-fitted boots, wet gloves, and heavy wooden boards with steel cables from my childhood field days, winter doesn’t care about the logo on your gear. It will shake its white quilt upon you as long as it sees fit. And with each minute, my step gets shorter while the cold air is tearing my throat.
The first time my heroine sees the ocean, she’s more fascinated by the beach than the water. It’s the essence of finding beauty at your feet without dreaming of whatever lies beyond the horizon…
