Roasting the Rider-Waite Tarot
The major arcana represent life, death, and rebirth. They also look completely insane.
1. The Fool
The Fool is traditionally both the first and the last card of the major arcana. In fact, the major arcana cards together comprise the Fool’s journey through life. The Fool represents new beginnings, excitement, courage, and potential.
The Fool is also full of advice that wouldn’t look out of place stenciled onto a lime-washed board and sold at a Hobby Lobby, things like “Believe in yourself and follow your heart” and “Have faith in where the universe is taking you.”
Like that one aunt, “the Fool is all about new experiences [and] personal growth.” He is also a little pouty and appears to have been captured in the middle of saying, “It’s their loss!” The Fool has very fine bone structure.
The little, white, prancing dog at his feet is supposed to represent a “protector,” though it’s unclear from what, if anything, a nine-pound dog is qualified to protect you. “All the tools and resources he needs” for this trip are packed into a bindle the size of a bento box. He’s wearing yellow slouch boots and carrying a single white rose — it’s like he used Goop to outfit an Everest ascent.
The Fool represents innocence, a kind word for stupidity. “He does not seem to mind if he does not really know what lies ahead,” which sounds like a really passive-aggressive thing to write in someone’s yearbook.
2. The Magician
The Magician (whose more metal name is The Magus) is the first card of the major arcana. The Magician also symbolizes fresh starts and new beginnings, because 100% of people who ask for a tarot reading want a new beginning.
The Magician is driven and goal-oriented. He can “apply skill and initiative to accomplish all [his] goals.” His description reads like a performance review. He’s also wearing a snake for a belt.
The Magician card is holding a symbolic staff and making a symbolic hand gesture. He is holding symbolic tablets, wearing a symbolic robe, and standing hip-deep in symbolic flowers. Above his head floats the symbol for infinity. The Magician is like a junior-high…