Addicted to Misery
Fighting the Addiction to Negative Thoughts
In the pursuit of healing, I realized something about myself. I’m addicted to misery. The negative thoughts that wreak havoc in my brain are my safe space. And when anything threatens the existence of these negative thoughts, my brain rebels against me until it forces me to return to my baseline. Misery.
It’s where my brain thrives. It’s where it feels safe and comfortable. I had this false belief that I wasn’t a negative person, that I didn’t engage in much self-criticism. It wasn’t until I went to therapy that I realized it was because I suppressed my emotions and barely processed my feelings that I didn’t realize that my brain was a black hole of darkness.
I falsely believed I was the epitome of positive self-talk and self-love. This realization opened my eyes to the fact that I didn’t know myself as well as I thought I did. My identity and self-perception shattered. I wasn’t acquainted with my own thoughts because I spent so many years shutting them down. I became a master at suppressing emotions. Of course, that resulted in my physical suffering to the point it forced me to seek therapy because my body was breaking down.
My mother once asked me,
“Aisha, why do you talk to yourself every time you walk home from school?”
