Lived Through This

As a Black Woman, Self-Help Culture Continues to Let Me Down

Why does an industry designed around becoming a better person ignore my struggle?

Sondra Rose Marie
Human Parts
Published in
6 min readJul 26, 2020

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Young Black woman touching her eyelid in stress.
Photo: Roy Hsu/Getty Images

I love self-help books. I’m a glutton for overpriced internet seminars promising enlightenment and business smarts. I unironically listen to podcasts that introduce people as “thought leaders” and “game-changers.” I know this makes me a wet dream for every halfway believable woman selling a course on Instagram, but it’s hard to let go of the fantasy: This could be the six-week program that changes my life.

Back in 2017 — the year that Charlottesville became synonymous with the tiki torch bros — I was enamored with a bubbly, white, blond-haired life coach. At the time, she’d just started a private Facebook group meant to celebrate the spirit of the Riot grrrl movement: Speak your mind, use style to express yourself, and provide genuine support to other women.

I was elated when my request to join the group was approved. Inside, I found a diverse group of women talking about marriage, work, shopping, dating, style, mental health — you name it. Sure, there were entirely too many flat lays of Apple products and peonies, and there was an uncomfortable moment here and there, like when a white woman bragged about buying an Ivanka Trump bag and begged us not to judge her politics. But, for the most part, it was a great place to chat with interesting women from around the country.

Until the morning after the Unite the Right rally.

I sat with my family and watched as pundits spoke through footage of angry white men shouting. The knowledge that these men came together because of a shared belief that I am somehow less than because of my brown skin… that evoked a lot of emotions. Anger. Fear. Sadness. Shock. Amusement. Disgust. As I sat with my feelings, I thought about my new Facebook community and how they’d been so supportive of women going through hard times. Surely, they’d offer some kind words to the women of color in the group.

I logged in, preparing to be hit with a barrage of well wishes, but was disappointed to find no mention of the rally in the first few posts. I kept scrolling… nothing. I held my breath and…

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Sondra Rose Marie
Human Parts

I write about things people don't bring up in polite conversation: race, death, mental health, and so much more ✨ www.srmcreative.co