Ask Olive

Ask Olive: I’m Both Lonely, and Terrified of Being Seen

How do I get the intimacy I crave when my partners keep disappearing?

Hi Olive,

I’m a 36-year-old single woman who is starting to lose hope that I will find sustainable love with anyone.

Five years ago, my boyfriend of four years left suddenly with no real explanation. We had very much been in love and had a genuine, deep friendship — or so I thought. He later explained it was a crippling fear of closeness that sent him running. Knowing this didn’t lessen the devastation, and for a long time, it made me question my sense of reality and my worth.

I was still optimistic after I recovered that once I started dating again, I would surely find someone who was prepared to love me and work through the fear that most of us have of allowing ourselves to be truly seen.

Three and half years and literally dozens and dozens of dates later (the vast majority of which involved me sitting across from a man talking incessantly about himself for several hours), I’m struggling to believe that’s possible. I’ve been ghosted more times than I’d like to admit, though usually after only a couple of dates.

Most recently, I met someone who I shared a real connection with — he was excited about me, and I about him. We dated for several months and our intimacy started to grow. Then, in a twisted episode of deja vu, he disappeared…