Between Life & Death

My baby boy exists in limbo

For the past six months my baby boy Zephyr has existed in a state of half-aliveness. On October 19th his heart didn’t beat for forty minutes when he suddenly stopped breathing. After emergency services revived him, he spent weeks sedated out of consciousness and ever since he awoke, he hasn’t been the same as he was before. Six months later he remains a muted, half version of his former self.

Many days I think he won’t last much longer. His breathing becomes erratic and all of the colour drains out of his face as he sleeps all day. His sallow skin and wistless eyes tell me he isn’t really there when I try to extract him from his slumber with kisses along his chubby thighs. My son has left me before and is leaving me again, or did he ever really come back? Zephyr is caught in a stasis between life and death. Like his namesake, Zephyr the kindly ancient Greek God of Wind, his presence is calm and gentle. It easily fades away. He doesn’t fight anymore, he just slowly drifts in and out of sleep. Barely moving and hardly touching the outside world.

When I first looked at his purple skin and blood pouring down his nose, I was convinced he was gone forever. I couldn’t believe it when the ambulance team said they restarted his heart. Then I believed he would wake up and return to his former, lively self. It was just a matter of days. Instead, he showed signs of improvement, but most of them have plateaued now and I don’t know what’s going on beneath his blonde curls. Am I waiting for…