The Care and Keeping of Your Extroverted Partner: Quarantine Edition

Extroverts are beautiful snowflakes. They’re also annoying as hell.

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Thousands of years ago, everyone was an introvert because the outside world was a dangerous place filled with tigers and centaurs. Also, plumbing hadn’t been invented yet, so bathing was less common. This made social activities such as feasts and parades odorous affairs that no one really wanted to attend.

Quarantines were easier back then. Sure, there was no such thing as modern medicine and please don’t Google “plague boils” — but as long as people weren’t sick or dying, they passed the time indoors much more pleasantly.

As we killed off the tigers and centaurs, and as bathing became more common, some humans began to find joy in the company of other humans. They went to sports games on purpose. They went to parties for fun — and not just for free food. (Weird, I know.)

Today, we call these people extroverts. Extroverts can be wonderful, despite their many faults. They’re like beautiful puppies, excited by all the possibilities in a crowded bar or an EDM festival. This behavior is confusing, but endearing.

Some of us have even partnered with extroverts, not realizing that one day there would be a pandemic and we would end up quarantined in a small apartment with these lovely people, wanting to murder them.

Two hours into quarantine, was your extrovert already whining like a puppy with both hands pressed against the window?

Do they pace around your living room, unable to even acknowledge the existence of books or paintbrushes?

Are they dramatically proclaiming that they’d rather die than sit still and watch a BBC miniseries for eight hours?

My friends, I am sorry.

Don’t murder your extrovert! The two of you can do this! Sure, we’re living in extraordinary times, but there are ways of managing this whole experience to make it more bearable and murder-free for everyone involved.

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