The Care and Keeping of Your Extroverted Partner: Quarantine Edition

Extroverts are beautiful snowflakes. They’re also annoying as hell.

Sarah Lofgren
Human Parts


A photo of a joyful man with curly brown hair wearing a lavender furry jacket in front of a yellow background.
Photo: Flashpop/Getty Images

TThousands of years ago, everyone was an introvert because the outside world was a dangerous place filled with tigers and centaurs. Also, plumbing hadn’t been invented yet, so bathing was less common. This made social activities such as feasts and parades odorous affairs that no one really wanted to attend.

Quarantines were easier back then. Sure, there was no such thing as modern medicine and please don’t Google “plague boils” — but as long as people weren’t sick or dying, they passed the time indoors much more pleasantly.

As we killed off the tigers and centaurs, and as bathing became more common, some humans began to find joy in the company of other humans. They went to sports games on purpose. They went to parties for fun — and not just for free food. (Weird, I know.)

Today, we call these people extroverts. Extroverts can be wonderful, despite their many faults. They’re like beautiful puppies, excited by all the possibilities in a crowded bar or an EDM festival. This behavior is confusing, but endearing.

Some of us have even partnered with extroverts, not realizing that one day there would be a pandemic and we…