Classic ‘Daddisms,’ Revised by a Super Woke Dad

In a world full of suffering and injustice, I don’t need to ‘give you something to cry about’

II don’t need to “give you something to cry about.” Just look around, there are so many things that demand a good cry. Our planet is melting, there’s injustice and human suffering everywhere you look, and your favorite YouTube couple just announced they’re getting divorced. Go ahead and cry. In fact, never stop crying. I literally cry constantly, and I’m a better man for it. Here. You can borrow my very snotty handkerchief.

IIt’s true that “a little hard work never hurt anybody,” but a lot of inadequately compensated hard work hurts lots of people. Billions of people, actually. Many are women, minorities, and those living in developing nations. We continue to hurt so many people, and for what? So we can consume more? So we can buy cheap plastic crap cheaper? It’s exploitation. It’s tragic. It devastates my heart. Can I have my snotty handkerchief back, please?

SSure, “money doesn’t grow on trees,” but I wish it did, because money trees would certainly be a more equitable way of allocating wealth than global capitalism, that’s for sure! Can you imagine it? All humans living as one, sharing our money tree seeds, planting them in our shared garden, watching them grow. Because together we are better. Particularly when every tree is full of money and love. I know, it’s beautiful. Use my handkerchief.

“I“If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?” Seriously, I want to know. Would you? It’s not an easy question to answer, is it? You want to be there for your friend. He’s clearly going through some stuff and needs you. But cliffs can be dangerous, particularly when you jump off of them. In some ways, though, aren’t we all jumping off a cliff every day when we suppress our true desires in our never-ending pursuit of wealth? What are we doing to ourselves? Jeez, I need my handkerchief again. This is getting to be too much.

“I“I’m not going to tell you again…” Instead, I’m going to show you! With my actions. With my heart. With my soul. I’m going to show you how to be a better person, a kinder person. I’m going to show how we can build a fairer, more equitable, more sustainable planet. Together. It starts with the smallest of actions. Let’s go. Let’s be the change we want to see in the world. But first, we need to get you a handkerchief of your own. This one we’re sharing is getting pretty gross.

This story was published in response to Human Parts’ Weekend Writing Prompt, “Get in touch with your inner dad and ask for some fatherly advice. Crack an embarrassing joke or five. Guide yourself through difficulties with a detached kind of affection.” To receive prompts like this one every weekend, subscribe to our newsletter by following Human Parts.

Writer, humorist, dad of three. Writing for Washington Post, McSweeney’s, Parents, Human Parts, and more. P.S. I Love You columnist.

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