Member-only story
I Married a Man, But I’m Still Bisexual
Why it bothers me that my sexual identity has become invisible
My bisexuality is obvious to me. I just have to consult my fantasies, the way I look at women, and my standing opinion that sister wives are missing out by not getting romantic with each other. But to most of the people I encounter, my sexual identity is not at all obvious.
People have always tended to assume I’m straight. That’s just how heteronormativity works: We’re all straight until proven otherwise. But after marrying a man, and especially since having children with him, I feel like my sexual identity has become completely invisible.
At first, I didn’t think too much about it. I was settling into my new role as wife and then mother, and I didn’t have time to worry about the way others perceive me. Lately, however, I’ve been a lot more uncomfortable.
I’m not one of those people who had a clear and distinct understanding of my sexuality right from the jump. This isn’t a story about how I knew at a young age that my romantic and sexual interests transcend gender. Even getting horny and hormonal after hitting puberty didn’t clear things up for me.
In my defense, I came of age during sexually confusing times.
I grew up with the assumption that I was heterosexual—in large part because my family and everyone else around me sort of implied that I was (no one was woke enough to ask what kind of woman I would like to marry someday). Some things about me, however, should have challenged that assumption.
By my late teens and early adult years, I couldn’t deny my bisexuality any longer. I had more than just a mild attraction to women.
I found women attractive—and some women really attractive. I liked seeing women undress in movies (first the soft-core stuff in whatever movie rental my parents left lying around and later in the porn they thought I wouldn’t access on their satellite dish).
But none of that felt unusual. Our culture sexualizes women. Every magazine spread, every movie, and just about every clothing ad I saw conveyed the message that women were meant to be…
