Humans 101
You’re Supposed to Be a Little Bit Selfish
Many of us neglect our own needs to avoid seeming self-centered — and then we wonder why we’re so unhappy
In my early twenties, the subject of “selfishness” came up frequently in my therapist’s office — specifically, my fear of being selfish. In my attempts to avoid selfishness, I was living in its opposite — and equally self-centered — extreme: self-negation.
My therapist explained it like a thermometer: Boiling hot was selfishness. Freezing cold was self-negation. And somewhere in between, right around the normal body temperature of 98.6 degrees, is a self-caring and responsible zone (which involves moving through a challenging zone of self-doubt that lies between 98.6 and ice).
“I feel like you’re freezing to death. I’m trying to help you get closer to 98.6, but you’re worried about boiling over,” he said.
My fear of selfishness was so pervasive back then, and I don’t remember which specific situation brought it up at the time. Maybe I was having a hard time saying no to someone who wanted a babysitter. Maybe I was giving someone a ride to a show I didn’t even want to attend. It could have been any number of things, but the image of the “selfishness thermometer” stuck. At first, it…
