Donuts With Not Your Dad
When I was in elementary school, the administration put on an event called, “Donuts With Dad.”
This is an unfortunate name. “Donuts With Dad,” to my gutter-bound brain, sounds like a midbudget porn film where “Dad” is played by a beefy 32-year-old with a full beard and the doughnuts are literal yet deviously handled. You’re likely reading this and now want to unread what you’ve read. I’m sorry incest porn exists. Still, I’m not going to reroute my neural pathways for your convenience. I’m banking on the fact that you’re an adult with decent control of your taboo-inclined libidinal impulses, so it’s not like your day is ruined. Look, if I’m ruining your day because I’m saying “Donuts With Dad” sounds like incest porn, you shouldn’t be on Earth. You simply will not make it.
Anyway, despite its provocative name, “Donuts With Dad” was a straightforward, wholesome situation. You have a dad. You bring your dad to the Callison auditorium at 8 a.m. on a sunny Thursday morning. There are doughnuts. You and your dad sit among other kids with dads, and you eat the doughnuts. Some faculty member with a shit-eating grin walks around and captures the effervescence of it all on camera. There’s a whole page devoted to it in the yearbook.
This is a dangerous game to play with donuts because, really, adults are notoriously untrustworthy.
We also had Muffins With Mom, but this isn’t about moms.
I am, believe it or not, not a part of the Jean Callison Elementary School faculty today. Therefore, I can’t confirm if Donuts With Dad got the ax. It may have evolved into a 2020-friendly “Donuts With an Adult You Trust,” which while not alliterative, is overall a more suitable event for a child. Still, this is a dangerous game to play with doughnuts because, really, adults are notoriously untrustworthy.
As I was saying, I don’t know if Donuts With Dad is still luring fathers into obligatory, box-checking moments of tender fatherhood. What I do know is it should never have existed.