Mind Games
Eat Yourself Alive (Or Die Trying)
All she wanted was to be pretty. Her body had other plans.
You haven’t had hives in a decade. Barely even remember what it was like to live with a body fighting against you, every inch raised in rebellion.
One night you go to sleep smooth, exfoliated and more exhausted than you realized was possible, and the next morning wake with your face tight and eyes swollen shut. Everything protests as you wrestle yourself free of the covers, alarm blaring, bones weighing you down.
Deep in your gut you know something is wrong. Your first instinct is to run to the mirror to assess the damage. Face, neck, shoulders. Even the palms of your hands. When you lift your hoodie they are there too, and pulling down your pajama pants reveals more of them slowly marching toward your feet. You run your fingers over the bumps, feel the valleys between them, their raised surfaces red and stark against paper-white skin. Disgusting.
You are nothing other than disgusting.
“Steroids,” the first doctor says.
“Look, they aren’t good for you, but your hives are likely caused by stress. These will help them go down.”
“Oh, thank god,” You reply, laughing. “I don’t know what I’d do if I had to go on stage looking like this!”
He laughs like you want him to. You’ve always been good at downplaying what hurts you the most.
You want to ask him what to do when being pretty is one of the few things that gives you value. How to cope when your body is screaming for you to slow down, when there is nothing left but what you’ve been chasing.
The hives come and go like the tide, here one moment and gone the next. Never when you expect, and always when it’s least convenient.
You know you’re burnt out, though you refuse to admit it. You know you’ve pushed yourself so far that this is your body’s way of forcing you to stop. After all, you’ve been working and going to school full-time, planning talks at industry conferences, and desperately seeking normalcy after leaving your partner of six years. A month ago, you were diagnosed with ADHD, and you’re now learning how easy it is to…
