Echoes of a Fading Marriage
A strange moment in my marriage that I experienced only once
I was lying alone in our bed, examining the sheets, curtains, and wardrobe doors. It was a brightly decorated, airy room, always smelling of lavender. The white, distressed furniture gave the impression of happiness lingering for a hundred years. A few years ago, I would have laughed at the idea of pink sheets; where would I have ever used something pink? But this pink set was so sweet, so soft.
I don’t know when my mind wandered to the point that I picked up my phone. I opened the search engine and typed “how divorce work.” I wanted to learn how it would be if I decided to divorce the man I had been quite in love with for 7 years.
It was the first time I had entertained the possibility of divorce. After reading some of the search results, I panicked. I felt like I was doing something forbidden. As if someone was going to check, as if someone would see, I quickly deleted the search history from my phone. I remember hastily getting out of bed and starting to tidy up. Not a trace of that strange moment should remain.
Once I started cleaning, I couldn’t stop, like those housewives who can’t resist tidying up. When had I last dusted the top of the fridge? I rolled up my sleeves and quickly took care of everything. I cooked a nice meal in the oven. Close to when my beloved man was due to return, I opened a bottle of wine. I remember not being able to make much eye contact as I finished the meal, trying to force a laugh.
It was as if I had committed a crime and was mumbling to hide it.
A few months later, our fights became louder, more ruthless. The house felt oppressive to both of us. We found every opportunity to stay away from each other. A few more months after that, our fights started to make us sick. A significant part of our daily life was spent being sad, crying, getting angry, drinking and getting drunk, sulking.
Things reached a point I could never have imagined. After almost a year of this crisis, one day, I realized he didn’t care at all about the pain, the ache, the suffering I endured. Nor did I care about his pain anymore. There was no room left for each other in us. “I’ll be here for two more days, then I’m leaving…