Echoes of a Fading Marriage

A strange moment in my marriage that I experienced only once

Duygu İslamoğlu
Human Parts


Photo by JOHN TOWNER on Unsplash

I was lying alone in our bed, examining the sheets, curtains, and wardrobe doors. It was a brightly decorated, airy room, always smelling of lavender. The white, distressed furniture gave the impression of happiness lingering for a hundred years. A few years ago, I would have laughed at the idea of pink sheets; where would I have ever used something pink? But this pink set was so sweet, so soft.

I don’t know when my mind wandered to the point that I picked up my phone. I opened the search engine and typed “how divorce work.” I wanted to learn how it would be if I decided to divorce the man I had been quite in love with for 7 years.

It was the first time I had entertained the possibility of divorce. After reading some of the search results, I panicked. I felt like I was doing something forbidden. As if someone was going to check, as if someone would see, I quickly deleted the search history from my phone. I remember hastily getting out of bed and starting to tidy up. Not a trace of that strange moment should remain.

Once I started cleaning, I couldn’t stop, like those housewives who can’t resist tidying up. When had I last dusted the top of the fridge? I rolled up my sleeves and quickly took care of everything. I cooked a…