FAQ for Singles at the Thanksgiving Table
Being single around the holidays can mean your dinner table feels more like an FBI interrogation, so here are some common questions and uncommon answers to really spice up the gathering, while giving thanks to your on-brand life choices.
Are you seeing anyone?
I am! The 10 of you right before my very eyes.
Who is that nice-looking guy you keep posting pics of on your Instagram?
That’s my friend. He’s gay.
But who is the other nice-looking guy on your Instagram?
Another gay man.
Are they all gay?
If I had a nickel for every time someone asked if a beautiful gay man on my Insta was my boyfriend, I could buy a boyfriend.
Yikes, you would buy a boyfriend?
Perhaps to save me from this festive, overflowing cornucopia of interrogation.
When’s the last time you went on a date?
When I opened my front door and Ricky said, “Here’s your Taco Bell, please rate me five stars.”
Can you believe your 21-year-old cousin is getting married next month?
I can. He lives in the Deep South, and there’s honestly nothing else to do there.
What kind of men do you like?
I like my men like I like my Thanksgiving tables — decorative, covered in gravy, and thankful for me.
Do you think making jokes about your dating life scares men away?
Have you tried online dating?
I’m always online, so it’s just called “dating.”
Which apps are you on?
All of them — Spnstr, Bchlrtt, Mstrbtr, Thrsty, DvrcdDads, FindATherapist, you name it.
Why don’t you just try talking to strangers?
That’s literally how Dateline episodes start.
What happened to that one guy you were seeing?
You’re going to have to be more specific.
The guy from that dating app? The lumberjack-looking one?
Need more details.
The one you went on a few dates with? You really liked him!
This could be at least 73 different men, each of whom I could not pick out of a lineup if one was convicted of murder, which is a possibility.
Are you the only single person at this Thanksgiving table?
There’s a six-year-old over there.
Jax has a girlfriend actually! Does that bother you?
Jax needs to get a grip.
Oooh, who are you texting right now?
What about that nice boy from your high school? Is he still single? Will you see him while you’re in town?
He literally has nine children and makes rap videos about his Toyota Camry.
Are you worried that you’re a thirtysomething with no prospects?
I prefer the term thirstysomething, thank you.
It sounds like maybe you’re just looking for something casual?
If by “casual” you mean going on a date, having him buy you six glasses of wine, making out on a street corner, listening to records ’til 1 a.m., getting yours, then asking him to leave because you have an early morning, and probably never seeing him again, then yes.
Do you feel like that was too much information to share at the Thanksgiving table?
I think it was the absolute correct amount of information.
Don’t you want kids one day?
Yes, but just so I can teach a tiny version of myself how to make mommy cocktails.
I’m not sure that’s a reason?
Okay, then to carry on this fabulous bloodline of interrogators.
Do you ever talk to your ex? He was so wonderful. We really loved him!
Can you pass the turkey? No, the Wild Turkey.
Do you think it was rude of you to get up from the table and physically “swipe left” across all of our faces just now?
No, I hope Jax puts it on his TikTok.
I know you’re independent, but don’t you want someone to take care of you?
To quote Beyoncé, “The house I live in, I bought it / the car I’m driving, I’ve bought it / I depend on me (I depend on me)!”
You live in a rented studio apartment and you take a Lyft everywhere.
Well, I… unclogged my own toilet last week! And gave myself the Heimlich maneuver after choking on a birth control pill.
Oh, wow. Your life is always so unpredictable.
It’s a fundamental pillar of my personal brand.
What are you most thankful for this year?
The amount of Instagram likes I got from nonwedding/engagement/baby-related thirst traps.
Why are you eating so much pie?
Because I’m eating for two — me, and my soul that Irish exited before I even sat down at this incredible holiday hellscape.
Is your New Year’s resolution to finally find everlasting love?
No, it’s to drink even more champagne, kiss even more randos, and reply to even more celebrity tweets. And maybe get an IUD.