This Is Us
Genetics
‘I make my case over and over. Unable to tell if I am convincing anyone.’
I lay out ingredients. Not five minutes before, as I start to cook. Like normal people. I take them out an hour in advance. Set them on the counter. Unmeasured, unchopped. Mental meal prep.
I am 10 minutes late. Always optimistic that I can get my shit together fast. A quick shower and change. Never do my hair. Foundation. Eyeshadow. Mascara. Out the door. In control.
I make lists. Of things to buy at the market. Series to watch. Countries I’ve been to. Men I’ve slept with. Names for my unborn children. Carry them with me. Delete them when no longer needed. And wonder if it satisfies the same as pen on paper.
I am angry. At animate and inanimate alike. I curse at dropped spoons. Jewelry clasps. Traffic lights. That asshole in front of me going so… slow… A perfectly coordinated conspiracy.
I belabor the point. No matter the topic. Love. Anger. That feeling you get when you know what you should do… but can’t. I make my case over and over. Unable to tell if I am convincing anyone. That this is helping.
I set out two cups for coffee. Every morning. And watch the kettle boil.
