This Is Us
So You’ve Realized You’re as Old as the Mom From ‘Home Alone,’ and Other Millennial Milestones
How to celebrate your impending irrelevance
If you are anything like me — a 38-year-old who owns multiple DVD copies of Heathers so I can still watch it when the grid goes down and the world becomes The Road, even if one of the cannibals on The Road steals my other copy — you woke up recently to an unwelcome surprise. Timothée Chalamet starred in a Super Bowl car commercial where he portrays the college-age child of Edward Scissorhands and Winona Ryder’s Kim. This commercial begs many questions, including: In the movie, Vincent Price gives Edward his scissorhands as an aid to help in his movement—so why was this kid born with them? Isn’t that like if I had a kid and that kid was born wearing one of my hats? Also, how traumatic must that pregnancy have been? Also, why does Chalamet need this money? Did he already spend all of his Dune money? What, does he need a new yacht to practice tongue-kissing on?
But there’s one bigger, more important question lingering over all of these: How the hell did I get so old?
I’m not here to answer that question for you — only your knee pain and faint personal memories of Bob Dole’s Pepsi commercial can do that. But I am here to tell…
