So You’ve Realized You’re as Old as the Mom From ‘Home Alone,’ and Other Millennial Milestones
If you are anything like me — a 38-year-old who owns multiple DVD copies of Heathers so I can still watch it when the grid goes down and the world becomes The Road, even if one of the cannibals on The Road steals my other copy — you woke up recently to an unwelcome surprise. Timothée Chalamet starred in a Super Bowl car commercial where he portrays the college-age child of Edward Scissorhands and Winona Ryder’s Kim. This commercial begs many questions, including: In the movie, Vincent Price gives Edward his scissorhands as an aid to help in his movement—so why was this kid born with them? Isn’t that like if I had a kid and that kid was born wearing one of my hats? Also, how traumatic must that pregnancy have been? Also, why does Chalamet need this money? Did he already spend all of his Dune money? What, does he need a new yacht to practice tongue-kissing on?
But there’s one bigger, more important question lingering over all of these: How the hell did I get so old?
I’m not here to answer that question for you — only your knee pain and faint personal memories of Bob Dole’s Pepsi commercial can do that. But I am here to tell you that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Rather, it’s a life milestone you should appreciate: the Feast of Realizing That the Important Art of Your Youth Is Simply the Next Generation’s Meaningless Retro Nonsense. And I demand we celebrate it. I demand we start observing Life Milestones for Aging Millennials.
When you’re young, it feels like there’s a new life milestone celebration every 15 minutes. Bat mitzvahs! Quinceañeras! Graduation! Prom! Around every corner lurked a new opportunity for adults to congratulate you and lovingly photograph your worst haircut (a bob that was incorrect for your face shape paired with Buffy-style highlights you did yourself with Jolene mustache bleach).
But over time, the milestone celebrations trickled off. This is true despite the fact that when you’re in your thirties and forties, you’re changing as much as you were back when you wore a pair of Jncos to phonetically learn your Torah portion. But at…