Having a Child Made Me Feel Trapped
But my second child helped me surrender to motherhood
For the first three years of my kid’s life, I was terrified to be left alone with him.
Here’s what I knew, pre-motherhood:
Work: I’d held a job since I was 16 years old. My jobs through the years had a psychic power over me; I felt beholden to them, as I’m sure many women do. I went to work no matter what. When my beloved dog of 10 years died one Sunday night, I wasn’t even a few minutes late the next day. I cried in the conference room when I needed to.
Me-time: I am a homebody, as is my husband. We both cherish a well-worn routine that rises and sets and never challenges us in any real way. It’s just, the world is so extra. Venturing into it is overrated.
Twilight depression: I am prone to bouts of hopelessness that are usually brought on by change or doing too much, both of which upset my routine, which, see above. My routine stabilizes my mood; my emotions demand routine.
Enter motherhood! Pow—all those old standbys bit the dust. I became a mother when I was nearly 33, so I had a long, long time to nurture a life of doing whatever I wanted. That first night at home with our child, we put him in his bassinet, read for a little while, kissed each other, and turned…
