How I was dismantled by the goddess on my first psilocybin journey.

Insights from my first therapeutic psilocybin experience.

The first time I put on eyeshades and music and took a therapeutic dose of psilocybin, I realized I was not special. This was a fitting message for my initiation to plant medicine. “You are not special” cautions against the egotism that can arise during the process of consciousness expansion. I was informed that I was no more insightful, intelligent, or enlightened than anybody else. We all have equal access to our Creator and the Source of all creation. Inner sight is a universal gift, and everyone has the capacity to improve theirs. Since we’ve spent our lives crafting our identity — our triumphs, failures, and everything else — believing we’re not special is a hard pill to swallow. But I am unique, am I not? There is no one else like me in the world; no one else has lived my life; doesn’t that make me special?

As the effects of the psilocybin came on, I felt desperately alone and defenseless. I had a vision of myself as a newborn field mouse, wretched, blind, and naked, lying on the icy winter soil of the forest, completely at the mercy of the elements and bigger creatures. When I returned to being me in the vision, I began to dwell on my losses. “Oh, why me?” came my self-pitying complaint. As soon as I thought “Why me? Poor me”, I saw myself…