How to Be a Yankee and Survive a Bar in the Sticks

Louisiana is located in what’s called the Deep South. Being a Philadelphia native, in the Deep South I am what’s called a Yankee. And not the kind people like to watch play baseball, either. Now, some folks — not everyone, mind you — but some folks in the Deep South don’t take too kindly to people from Up North. We Yankees don’t mind. Everyone gotta hate on someone. Personally I hate jugglers and Bulgarians. But suffice to say when in the Deep South I don’t always wear my Philly roots on my sleeve, because why stir up trouble? I know we’ll all probably get along just fine, and we don’t need a little something like the marriage laws in Massachusetts to come between us. When entering the sort of place that serves the kind of clientele for whom second cousins are acceptable members of the dating pool, and you want to have a good time, it is crucial that you modulate your behavior appropriately. Fortunately, over the years I’ve visited many a bar below the Mason-Dixon line and west of the Delaware Water Gap, and therefore have mastered the art of…

How to Be a Yankee and Survive a Bar in the Sticks

1) Say as little as possible

As we all learned in first grade math class, zero is as little as possible. And if getting away with not speaking in a bar were possible, I’d recommend it, given that the easiest way to out yourself as a Yankee is by opening your mouth. To a southerner, a northern accent is like a bee sting on the nuts — hard not to notice. Problem is that is you are at a bar you will need to order a beverage. And this means that if you don’t want to blow your cover you must be able to utter at least one syllable while affecting a believable drawl. That syllable is “Bud.” As in the King of Beers (that microbrew shit don’t hunt in the boonies). Don’t fuck around and try to tack on the “weiser” or a “please” (or, god forbid, “lite”) either, because if Tom Hanks taught us anything in “Forrest Gump,” it’s that even the finest northern-bred actors can screw up a southern accent if they try to say too much.

2) No glasses.

Pour your beer into a glass and you may as well be wearing a skirt, heels and a cock ring necklace. Also, don’t wear glasses. Makes you look like you read.

3) Once you’ve ignored Rule One (which you will), watch where you roam

Let’s face it, you’re drinking here. And drinking tends to lead to social engagement. So you’re going to end up talking eventually. But if you’ve flown under the radar for long enough, and seem to be a good sort, they might not care that you talk a little funny. That does not mean you can just start shooting off about whatever comes to mind. For instance, it’s probably best if you stay off the topic family relations. Hey, what happens between two cousins should stay between those cousins. And their kids. Also, avoid religion, for reasons that ought to be obvious. Sports are tricky. If you can figure out some of their allegiances and not cross them, you might be okay. But on no account should you enter into a discussion about college football. These people may never have seen the inside of a college classroom, but you can bet your ass that they can sing the Ole Miss fight song backwards, and the fact that you can’t could be interpreted as an act of aggression. Oh, and France. Whatever you do, don’t mention France. What you should do post-haste is discuss the weather. Southerners are calmed by a mutual interest in all things hot, cold, rainy and dry. Be careful this conversation does not stray into global warming territory, though, because as we all know, that is a myth fabricated by East Coast liberals in France. Another good idea is to establish some geographical connection to the Deep South. Maybe your grandmother is from Georgia and your dad, her Bubba Boy, had to move up North because that pussy Bill Clinton didn’t nuke Obama bin Laden when he had the fuckin’ chance. I don’t know, have fun with it.

4) Remember, those girls have brothers. And those brothers have shotguns.

Women are gorgeous everywhere in the world, from Papua New Guinea to North Cackalacky. But in some areas they are touchier about being hit on by dudes who are demonstrably NLU (Not Like Us). Now, I’ve met southern women so beautiful that the stomping you’ll get for smiling at them seems worth it. Just make sure it’s worth it, because these girls not only have brothers, their brothers have friends, and their friends are in the bar (because where the fuck else are they going to go?) and these fellas are all big fans of the 2nd amendment. So if you must hit on that pretty magnolia sitting by the jukebox, do so with caution. When you approach the Vision (and you will, because you’re drunk), lead with your best shot. Try not to smile right away, as having a full set of teeth may mark you as an outsider, or a homosexual, or both. Ask her which NASCAR driver she likes, and nod. If somebody notes that you probably know more about sucking cock than you do about NASCAR, just sigh deeply and say you lost all interest after Dale got killed. And he “got killed.” He didn’t “die” or “crash” or “pass on.” He got killed that time. Never mind who Dale was.

5) Buy drinks.

From time to time, buying a round for the house, or at least the aforementioned brothers can also buy precious minutes. Minutes in which you can quietly slip out to the “bathroom.” And by that I mean out the bathroom window and then as far, far away as your little northern legs can carry you.

6) Don’t do this:

When somebody calls you a pussy, respond with “… well, you are what you eat, Big Dick.”

7) Stay butch

If you’ve ignored rules one through seven and things remain calm, you’re in a gay bar. You should still order Bud. But enjoy the Harley tats. And the attention.

If all else fails…

8) Exit in Glory

If things are starting to look dicey, loudly announce that you have to leave because your mom just called and said your brother is coming back from Iraq next week, and can finally resume his efforts on the LSU football team, where he was a walk-on last year before signing up to defend freedom. A toast to the American military and Old Glory! Then leave twice what you figure you owe and get the hell out of dodge.

If Rule #8 fails

9) Know the fight rules.

Once you’re actually in a fight, remember that the Deep South is an honor-driven society. Which means your foes are unlikely to make the first dirty move. Head-butting is virtually unknown south of Atlanta, and a knee to the groin is considered gauche (which is to say, French). Bear in mind that your use of one of these time-honored defensive techniques will incapacitate only the first responder. But they will be considered an open invitation for others — including people you might not think would get involved, like girlfriends or cops — to stomp you. Also, it’s important to remember that Southern fights don’t end when Northern fights end, like say when somebody is beaten bloody and blacks out. In the Deep South, this is known as merely the “boot shining” phase of the altercation.

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