HUMANS 101

How to Become a Bed Creature™

This is the life hacks of all life hacks

Adeline Dimond
Human Parts
Published in
7 min readMay 31, 2022

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Drawing by the author, Adeline Dimond, 2022

I hate it when people give unsolicited advice. For instance, yesterday an old friend walked into my house for the first time, and told me to get rid of all my books because they made the place looked cluttered. “You really like books, huh?” she said, staring at a small stack of books under the windowsill. Yes, Denise, I like books. Do we have to talk about this?

But worse than Denise are those people who pretend they’re somehow qualified to tell the rest of us how to live a better life, and I especially hate it when people try to monetize that shit. The internet is lousy with those folks; the so-called “self-help” industry is the original pyramid scheme. It’s just a bunch of shysters who read books by other shysters, regurgitating the same message over and over.

However, I have stumbled across something miraculous, something that has improved my life by a factor of, well, a lot. I have become a full-time Bed Creature™ and I am here to tell you how to do the same and change your life. This is the life hack of all life hacks.

Did you know that you don’t have to get out of bed? I didn’t. I knew you had to get up to go to work, and to walk the dog, and to go to the doctor, and to exercise, and to visit your…

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Adeline Dimond
Human Parts

Federal attorney, writing thought crimes on Medium. To connect: Adeline.Dimond@gmail.com