HUMANS 101

How to Become a Bed Creature™

This is the life hacks of all life hacks

Adeline Dimond
Human Parts
Published in
7 min readMay 31, 2022

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Drawing by the author, Adeline Dimond, 2022

I hate it when people give unsolicited advice. For instance, yesterday an old friend walked into my house for the first time, and told me to get rid of all my books because they made the place looked cluttered. “You really like books, huh?” she said, staring at a small stack of books under the windowsill. Yes, Denise, I like books. Do we have to talk about this?

But worse than Denise are those people who pretend they’re somehow qualified to tell the rest of us how to live a better life, and I especially hate it when people try to monetize that shit. The internet is lousy with those folks; the so-called “self-help” industry is the original pyramid scheme. It’s just a bunch of shysters who read books by other shysters, regurgitating the same message over and over.

However, I have stumbled across something miraculous, something that has improved my life by a factor of, well, a lot. I have become a full-time Bed Creature™ and I am here to tell you how to do the same and change your life. This is the life hack of all life hacks.

Did you know that you don’t have to get out of bed? I didn’t. I knew you had to get up to go to work, and to walk the dog, and to go to the doctor, and to exercise, and to visit your family, and to grocery shop, and to take the car in for a smog check, and to take the car in for other repairs, and to go to the paint store to match the aging paint on your house, and to go to birthday dinners for friends, and take your watch to get fixed, and to be stuck in traffic for no reason. But what I did not know was that when you are not doing those things, you can crawl back into bed, and spend the day there, even if it’s only two o’clock in the afternoon. Even if it’s sunny outside.

Yup. Here’s how it works: you do all the things you need to do, and then you set up an old-timey television tray on top of your comforter, and then set your iPad up on its little triangle holdy-uppy-thingamajig and then you bring food into bed with you and you just stay there. You don’t leave, until the next thing that needs to be done. Sometimes that can even be 24 hours later.

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Adeline Dimond
Human Parts

Federal attorney, writing thought crimes on Medium. To connect: Adeline.Dimond@gmail.com