I Came for the Orgasm and All I Got Was This Lousy Tee Shirt

A quest for the elusive female orgasm and other musings on the meaning of intimacy

By myself, with my hand or my $200 top-of-the-line vibrator. No problem. Shoe-in, at least three in a row, if not more. My personal record is 11. No, I’m not exaggerating. And, yes, it feels amazing.

But why is it soooooo very different with another person. The pressure? The co-dependence? The performance anxiety? So many things have to align for women to achieve an orgasm with another person. In my case, historically anyway, it’s been with a man. There has to be communication. There has to be lust. There has to be passion. There has to be lubrication, natural or store bought. Either is fine. But you gotta have at least one. There has to be surrender, and trust, and sometimes, there has to be an image of Ryan Gosling in your head, just before you come. (He’ll never know, and neither will the person you’re with, unless you write an essay about it.)

In a long-term relationship, it’s common for the sex to go stale, to become rote. This automatically and drastically reduces the chances of achieving an orgasm. I’ve used the word achieve twice because it does feel like an achievement, not something that you have, like a good hair day or a bad period. This rote…