I Chose Myself
A Reflective Essay On Coming Out To My Religious Family
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My first time experiencing the great pacific northwest was during the height of covid in October 2020. The plane ride was more than six hours long and I was an anxious wreck the whole time, not just because I am afraid of flying. I was also hiding a shiny engagement ring in my jacket with plans to propose to the love of my life in the middle of a rainforest.
Growing up semi-poor in Oklahoma, I had never seen such a place in my life. The closest I got to this experience in my teenage years was devouring the moody, rainy imagery that was described in the Twilight series. I was captivated by my surroundings from the start.
Everywhere I looked, vivid green. Lush ferns half my size, ancient pines stretching high into the canopy above. Maple leaves larger than my head. I wondered what secrets this forest held.
Hiking through this magnificent place led me to reflect on how I managed to be fortunate enough to even end up here with the person that I want to marry.
I knew I was different at a young age. That’s how I perceived myself anyway. I was socially anxious, loved to read, and play video games. I was of a lower social rank compared to my popular, sports-playing female peers. I preferred my own company, along with my childhood cat and a good book.
I was raised in a Christian family, a mix of Baptist and Pentecostal. You know, that traditional, southern, “gays go to hell and Harry Potter is bad”, type of culture. From a young age I heard comments from my grandmother mostly, but sometimes my parents as well, that didn’t sit right with me.
My grandma spent a lot of time watching TV, and we often did this together. I was always on the edge of my seat whenever a TV show featured a gay character or scene. She would instantly change the channel, but not without telling me, “This sin shouldn’t be celebrated on TV!” This was very confusing to me because I never felt that these people were different from anybody else.
Did my ears hear the kind and non-judgmental teachings of Jesus differently than others? Did my brain perceive the Bible incorrectly?
