I Don’t Understand Straight People, Even Though I’m Married to One

I’m confident in my sexuality, but my husband’s makes no sense to me

Darcy Reeder
Human Parts
Published in
6 min readJun 4, 2019

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Photo: Xiaoyi Cheng Xiao Yicheng/EyeEm/Getty Images

“Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be enough for you,” my husband says, “because I’m just a man.”

“You know I’m happy with monogamy,” I tell him. “You’re enough. You’re the person I chose.”

“But how can I be enough?” We’re spooning under the covers.

“With me, you can’t do everything.”

“Who needs to do everything?”

“I want to do everything.”

“Well, not everything,” I say, pulling his hand to my lips and nibbling his fingers.

“I want to do everything with you.”

I’m pansexual: I’m sexually attracted to people of all sexes and genders. Sometimes I use the word bisexual instead because “pan” makes me cringe with visions of a cartoon Peter Pan. But bisexual implies — duh — a binary. And my sexuality does not feel binary at all.

It’s not that I’m attracted to men and I’m attracted to women. It’s that I’m attracted to people.

When I say I’m pan, I’m not saying I’m attracted to all people. In fact, I’m not attracted to most people. But when I am attracted to someone, that someone can be of any sex and any gender.

My worldview is colored by my sexuality. I only date women,” sounds to me like I only date redheads.” Like, really, you can’t even imagine being attracted to a brunette?

My first impulse is to assume society tricked all the 100% heterosexual and 100% homosexual people into thinking they had to live in the binary.

As Elle Beau recently wrote about herself and her husband:

“We considered ourselves straight at that point, largely because we’d never had very much opportunity to be anything else and we knew we weren’t gay — and for most of our lives, those seemed like the only choices.”

We don’t choose who we fall for. Sometimes you just feel chemistry with someone — when I met my husband, the chemistry was immediate and intoxicating — and you can’t choose who that person is or what’s under their clothes. Attraction isn’t a…

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Darcy Reeder
Human Parts

Empathy for the win! Published in Gen, Human Parts, Heated, Tenderly —Feminism, Sexuality, Veganism, Anti-Racism, Parenting. She/They