I Found a Poem I Wrote About My Abuser While I Loved Him
It’s called, “Poems for Someone Who Will Never Love Me.”
I was in a five-year-long dynamic that I later realized was abusive. It’s hard writing those words.
Everyone tried to tell me — even I tried to tell me. You can’t listen until you’re ready.
It’s hard thinking about it with a clear head because my brain is protective. It doesn’t want me to remember. When people who don’t understand ask me to describe what went on, I struggle, which makes them doubt me more. I can hear his voice in my head, mocking me as I flounder. He could talk me into a corner and make me doubt everything I’d ever known.
It was a long five years.
Sometimes he wanted me, sometimes he didn’t. On the days that he didn’t, I wrote about it.
I kept a note on my phone with all my sad, misguided musings. How did I think this was normal? I couldn’t see then that I was being abused, but now it’s clear as day. My words were filled with hurt and feelings of unworthiness. I thought what I was writing was beautiful.
The only beauty in it was my resilience.
I found the note one day, years later, and I opened it up despite my body’s resistance. It was weird letting those…
