I Want You, I Love You, I Need to Become You
My obsession with men was masking something far deeper: I wanted to be one
Content warning: This piece mentions eating-disordered behavior, self-harm, and domestic abuse.
When I was in high school, I watched the music video for “Feel Good Inc.” by Gorillaz over and over again.
It became something of an after-school ritual. I’d come home, eat a snack in the quiet of the empty house, and then curl up in front of the computer, waiting for the distinctive cackle of De La Soul to open the song. I’d glue my eyes to the screen, waiting for the animated band’s fictional lead singer, 2D, to appear.
I loved 2D. He was the perfect fake boyfriend. I loved that he was always so melancholy and beautiful. His hips were narrow the way I yearned for mine to be; his face was big-eyed and delicate yet angular. I wanted to look like him, to embody his perfect androgyny, but I knew I’d never be able to, so finding him attractive would have to be enough.
I also started consuming Gorillaz-based fan work on places like LiveJournal and DeviantArt. In those spaces, I found fan-made drawings of 2D cuddling with the band’s older male bassist, Murdoc. I read stories in which the characters fought and fucked and cradled one another. I stared at…
