Member-only story
This Is Us
I Would’ve Been a Great Mother — and a Terrible One
Looking back on what might have been, and what never was
I would have made a great mom.
My heart aches for helpless creatures. Pass me a newborn. I will never put her down.
I know from experience that I can hold a screaming, flailing baby all night long and manage to hide my frazzled nerves. I can sing Wynken, Blynken, and Nod for hours, while walking back and forth across a room, patting a baby’s back.
I can hold a baby’s arms down while he screams and struggles in order to get a chest X-ray during a trip to the ER, and cry right along with him, apologizing over and over for making him endure all of that. And I can clear my schedule so he can fall asleep on my chest the moment we get home, where I can give him an extra squeeze every time his little body shudders with the intake of breath, calming down after all those hours of poking, prodding, and screaming.
I know how to write Mama Love Notes, just like the ones my mother used to leave me in my lunch box. “Good luck on your math test today! I love you so much!” “Remember to put on your boots if it rains today! I put an extra pair of socks in your backpack!” “I’ll see you at your volleyball game this afternoon. I believe in…
