Iäm in Germanz
This was first published in March, 2009.
The kezboards here are different, “however Iäm just going to tzpe like itäs normal,” I think people will know what Iäm sazing and be okaz. The y is where the z is, or something, not completelz sure. Iäm going to put in quote marks though thez are not where thez are on normal kezboards. I copz and pasted it for easz usage. I feel stronglz “this will be the worst blog post bz far to appear on this blog.” I like Germanz. It seems like a version of Japan in that it seems modern and clean, even the formerlz socialist part that I am in now, “Leipyig.” If I wanted to feel highlz meaningless and depressed in a “beautiful” waz, culminating in a completelz detached existence immune to conventional definitions of loneliness or sadness, I could do it here mazbe, whereas I feel I could not do it in NZC unless I had a lot of monez. I have no internet. Iäm in an internet cafe. The plugs are different or something and I anticipate having no iPod or MacBook or cell phone access soon. Iäm stazing in a large room alone. I have no contact with people. I have a kez to the room, itäs in a building where Universitz professors live, I think, seems weird, like I could staz here more than five months and people wouldnät ask me for monez or ask me whz I am here. I thought about what would happen if I stazed here for a reallz long time, like 5 zears, not returning to America, and I thought that I would probablz write a “largelz unedited-seeming novel that is boring to read to the percentage of people who think most ‘classics’ are boring to read” that would sell “a lot of copies.” People would speak of me as a recluse and I would be honestlz viewed as “an artist of serious intent” to a certain group of people. Bz “largelz unedited-seeming novel that is boring to read to the percentage of people who think most ‘classics’ are boring to read” I think I “just” mean, like, not edited a lot on a sentence level. There would be manz sentences of description and probablz manz idioms and the stzle, pace, and tone would not be consistent. I feel without a computer I would write something and then edit it one or two times, from beginning to end, and it would be finished. I feel without being in contact with people, the internet, not having a blog, and not reading other authors would cause me to “not care” or “not feel pressure” to work on everz sentence to create a “strong, consistent, autistic prose stzle.” Earlier I thought something like “mz sadness is inarticulate and weird, like a rock [something something something something]” and then I thought about Robert Walser. I ate chinese food in the mall under the train station. Something weird happened, I took a photo of Asians, and thez, like, later grinned at me, in a weird context. This is bz far “the worst blog post” zou have probablz read in recent memorz. McDonaldäs here “seems to be thriving, a lot.” I went at 10PM and it was “packed” with, “like, hipsters, not just obese people or people ‘seeming “visiblz affected” bz povertz.’” Other places were not “thriving” that much. The menu seems the same except thez seem reallz into bagels here, I saw a “chicken bagel” or something. I feel mazbe that the “first world” is divided into two different parts, America and “not-America,” with America being the extreme version of “America” and Japan being the extreme version of “not-America.” The main attributes of America, in mz view, include obesitz, “high levels of inconsiderateness in the service sector,” people “looking reallz pissed off while at work,” “depression or boredom manifesting as anger, frustration, or ‘being an asshole’ toward others,” and that “everzthing is larger and dirtier than in other places, for example trashcans and beverages.” The main attributes of “not-America” I guess are just the opposite of those things. People with shittz jobs seem nice and happz here. If thez are depressed thez are able to surpress that or else express it bz being kind to customers. Depression and meaninglessness in “not-America” seems to be directed inward, and surpressed with intent to “accept, perhaps,” or else “fought” bz trzing to be nice “despite it,” as a sort of “funnz, literarz game” of “how much meaninglessness, depression, or loneliness can a person ‘accept’ and function with.” Iäm in an internet cafe with five bros. I just looked around and counted them, thez seem definitivelz to be bros, while counting them I didnät doubt at all mz definition of them as “bros.” I read last night. I read from SHOPLIFTING FROM AMERICAN APPAREL and then the person who translated EEEEE EEE EEEE read from GUTE LAUNE, the german version of EEEEE EEE EEEE. I liked his reading. He read, like, fast, and didnät seem “messed up,” or something. I went to a high school and some children read and seemed “completelz fucked up” in terms of language comprehension, or something, in that when thez read thez would repeat the same word like 3 times in a rapid, “inhuman-seeming” manner. Iäm not explaining that well. I just felt confused and “unreal” hearing the high schoolers, like I was in the movie Total Recall or something. There were mazbe 30 to 40 people at mz reading. It was onlz me reading, I felt that five people would come. The reading before mine had mazbe 7 people. In Germanz people read for 2 hours, with, like, a break between, I was told. Mz translator read the part where Andrew throws Luckz Charms across the kitchen and then later a dolphin kills Elijah Wood. People started laughing repressed-seeming laughter when the dolphin started having parts in the novel. Someone interviewed me about Obama after mz reading. Mz translator said thez printed 6000 to 7000 copies in the first printing of GUTE LAUNE and that one of the two largest review places in Germanz have confirmed to review it, I think. I feel it is “safe” to reveal this possiblz “sensitive” information since it is German information, I donät think people will be able to “exploit” anz information in this blog post. Mz translator is translating Keith Gessenäs ALL THE SAD ZOUNG LITERARZ MEN currentlz. I told him I met Keith Gessen a few times. He said Dave Eggers isnät extremelz famous in Germanz. Jonathan Safran Foer is extremelz famous in Germanz. TC Bozle is extremelz famous here, he said. We rode in a taxi and the taxi driver said he drove TC Bozle and TC Bozleäs daughter, who is “verz beautiful and smart,” he or mz translator said in translation to me in the taxi cab. At the book festival it was 70% manga, or something, people. It was as dense with teenagers dressed as goths or fairies or things like that as at Comic Con a few weeks ago in NZC, I feel. I ate a lot of bad things so far. Todaz Iäve been healthz. I slept 17-20 hours I think. I bought a pineapple with just the fruit part, two nectarines, two plum things. Saw some Germans with “extremelz black” hair, not sure if itäs dzed or not. It has been raining. I think I felt like Kafka earlier, walking down stairs in mz building. For a few weeks like two months ago I “couldnät remember at all” whether Kafka was German or not, and I feel that waz again, like mazbe he is Austrian or something. I feel confused and also keep thinking “Robert Walser” without anz “accompanzing” concrete thoughts or images. Mz translator said the publishing house, or he (an editor there), or something, would like to publish mz other books in German if GUTE LAUNE succeeds. He said he likes the cover of BED. If that large newspaper “actuallz” reviews GUTE LAUNE it will be bz far mz “largest review” zet. I am glad and feel weird that other countries except America exist. It seems funnz that America is dominating the world. If I came from Taiwan or Japan or Germanz or wherever, to Manhattan, and looked at the subwaz szstem, the McDonaldäs, the “overflowing” trashcans, etc., I would feel like I was dreaming or something. Iäm glad America is dominating the world so badlz in terms of abstractions but so little, it seems, concretelz, in terms of fighting obesitz and povertz and things like that. It feels literarz, like Iäm living inside a Lorrie Moore or Joz Williams short storz. Not reallz that but something like that. I am going to stop blogging now. If people have questions about Germanz tzpe them in the comments section.
[THE NEXT DAZ]
It is the next daz. I “figure” Iäll “just” blog about everzthing that has happened to me, “as this blog post is alreadz one of the worst things people will ever read bz me, I feel.” I didnät fall asleep last night I think due to sleeping 17 hours the night before. I watched CNN World Report thinking almost continuouslz things like “I am amayed bz the charisma that is being displazed bz the newscasters.” It was “hard” to turn off the TV. I turned it off and organiyed songs on mz iTunes. “Remember, there is no wireless in mz room.” I drew something on the back of postcards for someone. I focused kind of hard on the drawings. I felt proud “upon completion” and contemplated art vs. writing, some thoughts occurred, I exercised, ate pineapple, two plums, and two nectarines or peaches, Iäm not sure. In between those things I laz wearing “onlz American Apparel underware” on the sofa thing under a blanket, sometimes in a fetal position, feeling funnz sometimes. I listened to music on the sofa alone in the room on mz iPod. I showered and laz in bed around 1 a.m. I think I fell asleep a little between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. then I listened to music and organiyed a plazlist and “cleaned up” mz iTunes between 5 a.m. and 8 a.m. Then I exercised and showered and went outside at 9 a.m. I felt confused at the lack of people. Then I saw a clock or something. I had been wrong, it was onlz 8 a.m. I walked to the train station and ate a [something]-filled croissant and a frosted french cruller tzpe thing and a celerz-beet-carrot juice. I “nonsensicallz” thought about eating chinese food to “clean mzself” of the pastries. I ate a salad with corn in it and a cabbage thing. I thought things like “Itäs 9 a.m. and I alreadz ate all this shit, seems bad.” I sat in a bookstore and read last monthäs Nzlon and Juxtapoy. I focused on trzing to learn things, to learn what was happening in American culture, what people were doing. I felt I had an epiphanz about Juxtapoy magayine, that “it doesnät reallz do antzhing, or something.” I looked at German versions of American books. I saw Susan Choi for some reason. I thought “Susan Choi, weird, for some reason.” I think I saw a Joan Didion book. Around 10 a.m. I bought a medium Americano from “Coffee Culture,” the same girl with black hair working there last night was working there. I came to the internet cafe. I read an email from mz translator that said VICE wanted to interview me in person, but in Berlin. I had told mz translator I was going to Berlin todaz, I think. (During the night I had justified stazing in Leipyig bz sazing I would just walk around a lot in Leipyig, and know Leipyig well, and it would be more original and equallz culturallz informative re going to Berlin). I called mz translator in the internet cafe. I was confused where he was, since I felt he should be at the book festival right now, but is somehow in the publisheräs office, which is located Iäm not sure where, but I think not in Leipyig. He said thez are going to finance mz trip to Berlin mazbe todaz. Currentlz I am waiting for an email from the translator. I feel okaz revealing media information due to being in Germanz. In America it seems “taboo” to talk about media information for some reason. I feel sleepz kind of. Mz main feeling right now is something like “I donät feel at all like eating chinese food or pastries” but it feels more like an emotion than anzthing phzsical or cognitive. I feel that in 5-8 hours I will feel “reallz accepting of death” due to a lack of sleep and, in part, mazbe, a lack of things in life that I feel certain in. I think when people are verz sleepz “death” becomes less “influential,” I can see someone just walking off a cliff if thez havenät slept. I have been listening to The Get Up Kidäs cover of The Cureäs “Close To Me” on “manual repeat” because mz iPod is recharging and it wonät plaz things, and this is the first song I clicked in mz Gmail account. The internet cafeäs headphones onlz work in one ear for some reason, I feel like Iäm not in an environment that is helping me blog at a high level, because of those things. I feel that this is the kind of blogging a person does before thez “lose control” of their career. I feel bad. After I tzped “I feel bad” I made small laughlike noises. I am still grinning. A massive amount of unedited blogging is now on this blog, seems “extremelz bad” that this has happened, zet I guess “there is nothing I can do about this” though I know I could “just delete it” but that “I wonät, ‘I just wonät do that’ at this point.” Just thought “this situation is untenable” with a vague, non-sequiturish recognition that “Iäm reallz bad.” I just “completelz ineffectuallz” compared the siye of the first part of this blog post with the part I tzped todaz, with “surreal intent” to make the parts equal in length to satisfz seeminglz, I now feel, “non-existent” urges to be, like, balanced. I scrolled up and down reallz fast in the blogger screen, Iäm not sure if I “ever” “seriouslz” wanted to know the lengths of each part. Mz translator just emailed me, I am going to Berlin now. A VICE person named Martina Kix is going to interview me, not sure if that is a female or a male. I feel excited and for some reason, like, “deeplz melancholz,” but Iäm not sure, perhaps I just feel confused. I feel I will “never allow mzself” to blog in this manner again, and therefore “feel free” to saz whatever right now. Just felt stronglz that the next two dazs will be “two of the ‘worst’ dazs of mz life,” “as mz plane to Munich then America leaves at 9 a.m. and it is 11Ö30 a.m. now. But I feel that mz definition of ‘worst’ has become, like, distorted a lot, in the past few zears, and no longer has “anzthing near” the conventional definition. It also does not mean the opposite, I feel, but seems to be on “a completelz different spectrum,” like if worst-best were colors and mz definition of “worst” has “mutated” to become “a sound” or something. Feeling weird, going to leave the internet cafe now.
[~5 HOURS LATER]
I am in an internet cafe in Berlin. I think all German internet cafes are 1 Euro for 1 hour. The internet in this internet cafe seems extremelz slow. VICE interviewed me, bought me a salad, and a coffee. We stopped at a ATM and I think I made a tzpo and tried to withdraw $3000 and it didnät work. Then I tried to withdraw $30 and it didnät work. Then I tried $20 and it didnät work, so I think I have less than $20 in mz account. Bz $ I mean Euros. I have around 5 Euros on me. The person from VICE hadnät read GUTE LAUNE due to receiving it zesterdaz, I think. She was 23 I think. The editor of German VICE is 24 I think. The interviewer said the editor of German VICE read some of GUTE LAUNE and said it was a moderniyed ALICE IN WONDERLAND. I “riffed” on that in a “retarded” manner. I went to their office, I saw 8 emplozees or interns, it was mazbe 2000-3000 square feet, I felt impressed with VICE, as an independent companz with “an international ‘reach.’” The photographer looked “good.” The interviewer said thez print 100,000 of each VICE in Germanz. I saw manz German VICEäs. Someone took mz photo, the photographer. I think the interviewer uploaded all photos on mz camera onto her computer in order to possiblz print mz photos sazing itäs “mz view of Berlin.” She uploaded like 200 photos probablz, due to me having photos on the camera still from when I took photos of SOMETIMES MZ HEART PUSHES MZ RIBS. I think Germans are confused about Kafka. Earlier in Germanz someone said that “in Germanz” thez have a sazing, “Kafkaesque.” The interviewer asked me something like if I had ever read Kafka and then if Kafka was known in America. I said Kafka was mazbe one of the top five or ten most known authors in America. When “questioned further” I said that Ernest Hemingwaz was mazbe the most famous. I should have said Noah Cicero or, like, Jared Leto. I asked the interviewer if Werner Heryog is extremelz famous in Germanz. She said she didnät know who that was. I think I said that GUTE LAUNE represents mazbe 1-2% of the population when she asked me if I was writing about a generation. She talked about Mexican punks beating up emo people in Mexico. She said “Mz Chemical Romance” at one point. I said “Leftover Crack” at one point. I feel no pressure to go outside right now due to having less than 20 Euros. Berlin seems different than I thought, not sure what I mean. I passed an American Apparel. There is a pink pipe thing. When buzing the train ticket to Berlin I felt confused and “helpless” and asked a 60-zear-old woman to buz the ticket for me. I think she did not speak or comprehend English. Each time an option on the screen came up she said things in German and I said “zou choose” or “anzthing” or made a “helpless” facial expression and she hesitated then chose an option. The ticket was 36 Euros. I think she chose things I wouldnät normallz choose, “causing the price to rise,” to 36 Euros, for a 2nd class ticket for a 1.5 hour “ride.” I think there was an intern at the VICE office whose job was to carrz around issues of VICE. Will thez translate the German VICE interview into English for the American VICE or something. The interviewer is going to translate the interview into GERMAN, will that be used in America at all, is America “just” going to ignore me from now on, seems highlz possible. I just arbitrarilz capitaliyed GERMAN. This post isnät consistent in prose stzle. I feel this third section of this blog post is significantlz “less interesting,” though I drank coffee ten minutes ago, not sure what is happening to me, mz IQ feels much lower right now than when I tzped the previous two sections. Feels like mz IQ is around 80 right now, Iäm using less quotation marks. I “scanned quicklz” the above few lines and saw no quotation marks and immediatelz interpreted that as [something something something something]. I do not want to blog like this anzmore, probablz I alreadz destrozed certain portions of mz career. If someone had branded me as the next Hunter S. Thompson I couldäve had this printed in Rolling Stone or something mazbe. “As it is” this blog is “the onlz possible home” for this. Just thought “I wonder what is going to happen to me when I leave this internet cafe.” I sense “an amount of required tasks to accomplish” in order to arrive back in mz room in Brooklzn. I feel I will “be required to” go outside this internet cafe, find a bus back to the train station, ask someone which train to take, take the train back to Leipyig, go back to mz room in Leipyig, decide whether or not to sleep, factoring in not having a reliable alarm clock and possiblz having not slept for a long enough time to sleep through an alarm clock, go to the train station, take the train to the airport, ask multiple people if I am taking the correct train to ensure not being “stranded” in Leipyig, get on the plane, get off the plane in Munich, get on another plane, get off the plane in JFK, get on the Air Train, get on the A-C-E train, get on the L train. I feel out of those things I most “do not want to” wait at Broadwaz Junction for the L train after getting off the A-C-E- train. Just thought “I hope I never blog in this manner again.” I currentlz feel that I could verz easilz staz here, in Berlin, for a few more hours, missing mz transportation back to Leipyig and America, and “deal with” the problems involved with that “later,” and “be fine,” even feeling “at ease.” Which makes me feel weird, like “appalled” sort of, but also, like, “fuckkkkkkkkkkkk” or “hehe,” or something, I donät know reallz. Honestlz donät know what I am trzing to express right now and if it is a real thing that I felt that I am trzing to exprss or just some other thing. In conclusion if people have Germanz questions post them in the comments section.
[~35 HOURS LATER]
I am in America, not sure if “35 hours” is accurate. After leaving the internet cafe in Berlin I got on a bus to the train station. I had little money left. I already had a ticket back to Leipzig. I felt worry about affording the ticket to the airport the next day. I looked at the machine for tickets to the airport the next morning. I tried my debit card, it did not work for a 9.50 Euro ticket. I exchanged all my American cash and got the ticket. The train back to Leipzig required 2 transfers. I felt really alert during this time, I felt that if I took the wrong transfer, since I had no money left and no cell phone service (or battery), and no computer, I would be “concretely ‘fucked.’” I got on the train to Leipzig. I asked someone on the train if it was the right train, showing them my ticket. They said it wasn’t. I got off really fast and asked a train conductor if it was the right train, he said it was, I got back on really fast. Due to two transfers it took 2 hours 40 minutes to get to Leipzig. For those 2 hours and 40 minutes I felt very alert and “noted” the time and name of almost every stop, about 40 stops maybe, in an effort to prevent any “lapses of memory or attention.” I looked at my iPod maybe 200 times to check the time to “double check or something” that large amounts of time had not passed due to my brain not working correctly without me knowing. I felt very aware that I had not slept in maybe 30 hours and therefore should “focus really hard” to “not mess up.” I felt like I was in The Bourne Surpremacy during this time and for the next maybe 20 hours. I went to sleep around 1 a.m. I woke around 6 a.m. and went to the train station. I asked someone what train to take to the airport, showing them my ticket. Their information conflicted with earlier information I had. I looked at a chart and it confirmed the new information. The train was in around 30 minutes. I had I think 32 Euro cents. I went to buy a banana. The grocery place wasn’t open yet. I looked at bread rolls. I bought one for 22 Euro cents. I waited for the train. When it came I asked someone if it was the right train. They said it was. I got on. I looked at a sign and it seemed to be the right train. I sat staring with a worried facial expression for maybe 30 minutes. At one stop many people got off, like everyone got off, and I stayed on, due to something my ticket said. I stared with a very worried facial expression. I got off around three stops later and saw no airport. I looked in a direction and thought maybe the airport was there. I asked someone if they spoke English, they said a little. They said I took the wrong train. They said I should take a train back to Leipzig and then take the right train. They said I “just” missed the train. It was around 8:20 a.m. and my plane was at 9:20 a.m. I stared at the person and asked if I should take a taxi. They said I should and grinned. I got in a taxi and said I would give them my iPod to take me to the airport. He didn’t speak English. He showed me a chart that said it was 30.60 Euros to the airport. I held my iPod and said things about Euros. He brought over more taxi people who didn’t speak English. They came one at a time, maybe 2-4 different other taxi drivers who didn’t speak English. I wrote “150 Euros” on paper with an arrow pointing to the iPod. After maybe 4-6 minutes he shook his head and motioned for me to get out of his taxi van. I got out. I asked someone if they spoke English. They said a little. I asked if they wanted to buy my iPod for 35 Euros. They said no. I walked around. I saw a person working in a Duane Reade-type store and imagined myself asking if they wanted to buy my iPod for 35 Euros. I asked a young girl working in a cafe if she wanted to buy my iPod for 35 Euros. She said something about not being able to give me money or something. For some reason I asked her where I could charge my MacBook. She said I could try a bank. She didn’t know the word for “stairs” and did hand motions indicating “stairs,” I think. I walked around. I walked outside and said “no?” at the group of taxi drivers who were standing talking. One of them said “nacht” I think. I went inside. I tried an ATM. (During this time and maybe the previous 12-20 hours I tried ATMs maybe 5-10 times, thinking it would “just work” for some reason, maybe by computer glitch, or something, and I would “just get charged another overdraft fee”). It didn’t work. I walked outside. I looked for someone I could ask to take me to the airport. I thought about hitchhiking. I think I thought about taking 4-8 hours to walk to the airport and then sitting in the airport until something happened. I saw younger taxi people. I asked them if they spoke English. I took out my camera and iPod and said they could have one if they took me to the airport. I said they were worth 150 Euros each. They looked at my ticket and said last check-in was at 8:40 and it was “too late.” I said I would need to go to the airport anyway. They stood there for maybe 3-5 minutes saying things like “Canon” re the camera and talking about the battery. The camera wouldn’t turn on and I said it was out of batteries while feeling fear that they would think it was broken. The person said he would do it. We got there around 8:55. Before we went in I asked him if he wanted the camera or the iPod. He said both. He said things making it seem like the deal was for both. I think he honestly thought that because when we first got in his taxi he put both items in the backseat. For some reason I said “are you sure” and he seemed to not respond. We were both grinning. I think I said “okay” at some point. I thanked him multiple times. I got out and ran to the ticket place. The people said boarding was already closed. They told me to go get a ticket for another flight. The person said the ticket change would cost me something like 160 Euros. I said “okay” with a neutral facial expression and gave them my checking card and it worked for some reason. I thought maybe they would find out it was declined later on and come get me so I went really fast to the gate. At this point I stopped feeling like I was in The Bourne Supremacy and started feeling like I was in Wendy and Lucy (not the most accurate example but what I can think of currently) for example I kept thinking about how to steal beer from the convience store by the departure gate or juice from the juice stand. I stared maybe 2-4 different times “with yearning” at someone’s beer in a tall clear glass with strong feelings that the beer “looked great.” In the convenience store I stared with “vague yet intense longing” at a kind of beer soda, or beer whiskey soda thing, while walking at, like, a diagonal, away from it, and felt something like “detached confusion.” I briefly thought about stealing a book from the store and returning it for money (I was 100% sure that wouldn’t work). I walked by a donation thing for pandas thinking about how to “obtain” some of the money inside to buy juice. I thought about fresh orange juice with medium levels of yearning. I tried to use this internet thing maybe 5 times with my checking card. I looked through my backpack for money or things that could turn into money. I tried to enter the “business lounge” and was denied (I tried to enter just by showing them my ticket, thinking they would just not care and let me or something). I also walked around looking for free food or free water. During this time I felt calm and “discerning” and weird maybe. I remember sitting by people thinking maybe we would start talking and then I could ask them for 2 Euros to use the internet. I created an equation to “discern” how much money total I had “coming in” from various places. On the plane without an iPod I felt calm I think. I watched three different movies while drawing and writing. I made a list of things I bought in Germany. In Newark an airport employee gave me $3 for the bus and PATH train before I asked him for it, while still explaining something about my checking card, and he declined when I tried to get his information to pay him back. I had a plan before that happened to ask someone on the plane if they used Paypal, then saying I would Paypal them $10 if they gave me $2, but many people on the plane seemed like they didn’t use Paypal. During most of this time I had two German issues of VICE for reading material and I looked at each page of those maybe 3-7 times each and traced a part of the cover of one of them, the “Girls” issue. The taxi driver has all my photos from Germany, I forgot to get the memory card. The trip to Germany I think cost me around $700. VICE posted the interview. I currently feel excited that I went to Germany. I feel it was overall “pretty funny,” “consistently funny,” and that I currently feel calmer, I think, and less “despairing” than if I did not go to Germany. I feel either neutral or “positive” about the taxi driver “gaining control” of my iPod and camera. He seemed excited. I would pay $20 to see him looking at my photographs. I would pay $50 for a 4000-word essay by him focusing comprehensively on what he did with the iPod and camera after taking me to the airport. I think about nothing happening to various people and it seems preferable, from my current perspective, that something happened to various people.
Tao Lin is the author of Taipei and six other books.
