I’m Pregnant and Worried About Losing Myself
I’m currently pregnant with my first child and, while I’m over-the-moon and can’t wait to meet the little freeloading stranger who’s been squatting in my womb the last several months, I am admittedly overwhelmed with the experience.
I’m in my mid-thirties and this pregnancy was wanted, it’s not like it came as a surprise or even at an inopportune time.
I spent my twenties and early thirties doing, more or less, exactly what I wanted to do: chasing my dreams in New York, traveling, creating, experimenting, and stocking up on life experiences. I had an entire phase of my life that my friends and cousins who settled down early and never left our home town won’t ever know. I don’t mean this in a braggy way — I don’t think they necessarily feel like they missed out on anything, I think getting the hell out of Dodge was never really on their radar.
But that doesn’t change the fact that I feel very fortunate for the decade I spent getting to really know myself before being (somewhat) ready to share my body and my life with a child. I’ve gone through multiple iterations, shed layers upon layers, and have grown a lot. I don’t think you ever stop evolving, but I feel much more fully formed at this point than I did five or ten years ago. Part of me feels like I got to have my cake and, now that I’m having a child, eat it too. The cake, not the baby.
I’m not incredibly wealthy and I’ve never owned a home, but I’m lucky enough to have what I need (and much that I don’t) and to have squirreled away some savings. I grew up in a family of doctors and lawyers who have always seemed somewhat concerned about me: the wayward black sheep. The freelancing jack of all trades. But I haven’t lived paycheck-to-paycheck in several years and, while the ripple effect of the WGA and SAG-Aftra strikes definitely dented my income streams, I was able to lean on the funds I’ve accrued, my assorted skills outside the industry, and my wonderful husband to make it out unscathed. We’re comfortable and I am very grateful for that.
We were living in Costa Rica when we found out I’m pregnant. Like I said, it wasn’t a total surprise — we’re aware of the birds and the bees— but it did…