I’m Now 38 and Still Have Never Had Good Sex
Reporting 5 years later
I originally published this story in 2018, when I was 33. That was the last year I touched another person, romantically, the last time I gave an open mouth kiss or touched a butt. It’s been so long— Trump was in office! — since I’ve felt horny for someone. It’s winter where I live, and I draw my shades at 5 p.m. and wonder how the hell so many seasons of singledom have come and gone, and how I care so little about my celibacy.
My life hasn’t been static these past five years — I’ve moved across the country, had a few jobs, purchased a house, ebbed in and out of social groups, and adopted three (yup!) cats — but my opportunities for romance have seemingly flatlined. I can attribute this to a ton of factors — changing cities, working in a field of primarily women, raising my standards — but logic, no matter the frequency, doesn’t excuse heartbreak.
The relationship I left in 2018 was not a good one. My ex was not comfortable with intimacy and was therefore unable to show me the physical affection I craved. I spent four sexless years with him—living together, raising cats together, sleeping together in the bed where he frequently rejected my advances. Each night that he turned his body away from me and muttered that he was sorry, the self-doubt colonized me further, weeds spreading…
