In Defense of Solo Sex
The history of “masturbation” has made the term undesirable, especially for women
When I was growing up, I was taught that masturbation was a sin, a slight against the almighty God who created me (never mind the fact that God created sex…) and that sex was reserved for married people. If there wasn’t a ring, sex (and masturbation) was out of the question.
In a small Midwest town in a very conservative state, sex and all topics surrounding it were forbidden. Sure, there was locker room talk and hushed discussions on the bus about which guy had the biggest “piece,” but really, sex as a topic of conversation was intolerable.
Even more unacceptable was masturbation. It wasn’t something any of us were comfortable talking about. When it would come up in sex ed, there were awkward whispers and glances. No one really wanted to talk about it. Never mind the fact that it is the safest sex a human can possibly have.
After a year in sex therapy, I’ve begun to realize that with such negative connotations, “masturbation” really isn’t the word we should be using — but we need to get down into the history of the word before we can really understand why we need a change in lingo.
Masturbation, the act of pleasuring oneself through the touching or stimulation of one’s genitals, is not a new concept. Rather, it is something that has been depicted throughout history, from prehistoric artwork on cave walls to the Egyptian myth of how the world was created by a god masturbating. The Ancient Greeks saw the act as normal and tribes throughout Africa utilized it as part of cultural rituals.
If masturbation is found throughout history, how did it get twisted into something so unspeakable and taboo? Enter Western civilization and the Judeo-Christian tradition.
With the influx of Christian traditions, once widely accepted forms of sexuality quickly became illicit. Anything that did not align with the Genesis mandate of “be fruitful and multiply” was seen as sinful. According to Psychology Today, even “Catholic theologian St. Thomas Aquinas believed that masturbation was a worse sin than rape, incest, and adultery, because in these other sins procreation is a possibility.”
Further into the Victorian era, masturbation was quickly blamed for all sorts of maladies and mental illnesses, from depression to tuberculosis to sterility and even to untimely death. Ironically, one of the safest sexual acts quickly became labeled as the most “dangerous” and became forbidden.
In 1972, the American Medical Association pronounced masturbation normal, but the guilt, shame, and stigma still live on.
Throughout the next few centuries, culture began to shift toward the abolition of masturbation. Catalogs sold garments geared toward the reduction of erections and protection against handling an erect penis. Those who were found to be “chronic masturbators” were either castrated or had their foreskin stapled shut.
Interestingly, at this time in history, men were seen as the worst offenders of the act of masturbation, but not women. And while the Victorians remained steadfast in their fight against the sinful act of masturbation, countless women during the Victorian era found themselves diagnosed with “hysteria,” a psychological illness that presented as “insomnia, nervousness, muscle spasms, and shortness of breath.”
The cure? Hysterical paroxysm: also known as orgasm. Doctors would simply perform a “pelvic massage” to help induce hysterical paroxysm, which would “cure” the hysteria. Can anyone say double standard?
A little later during the 1890s, rocking chairs became a more popular substitute to help ease the feelings of “hysteria.” Note that they were also a “complete cure for obesity, hysteria, and gout.”
In the late 1800s and the early 1900s, the winds of masturbation began to change, but it would take a few years for it fully to shift in the direction of being less forbidden.
John Kellogg (yes, the namesake of your Frosted Flakes) led a revolution in the 1890s around anaphrodisiac foods, which he attributed to his firm belief in sexual abstinence. According to Psychology Today, “Kellogg invented cornflakes as one part of a diet that he felt would lessen the sex drive and diminish the practice of masturbation, which he called a ‘crime doubly abominable.’”
In his book Plain Facts for Old and Young, Kellogg would later write that he believed that boys should be circumcised to help curb masturbation and that women should have carbonic acid poured on their clitoris to help curb arousal. He also believed that a healthy diet of only two meals a day would help reduce sexual feelings.
Finally, by the 20th century, masturbation became a little less intolerable, but it still remained a discreet subject. Vibrators began appearing in porn films and were sold in popular magazines and catalogs, like Sears, Roebuck and Company.
According to Psychology Today, “it was not until as late as 1968 that it finally fell out of the American classification of mental disorders. In 1972, the American Medical Association pronounced it to be normal but the guilt, shame, and stigma still live on to blight people’s lives.” In 1973, Betty Dodson reintroduced the vibrator to the world at NOW’s Sexuality Conference and focused on the idea of sexual empowerment. Clearly, her work went a long way toward making masturbation less taboo and more socially accepted.
Ironically, the shame around masturbation still exists. In 2007, the Supreme Court refused to hear a case about the sale of sex toys. The case originated in Alabama, the only state where sex toys are banned. This ban on sex toys went into effect in 1998 after being passed by state legislature. Known as the “anti-obscenity law,” the law does make one exception: Sex toys may be purchased for “a bona fide medical, scientific, educational, legislative, judicial or law enforcement purpose.”
It wasn’t until I was 27, married, and knee-deep in months of counseling sessions for sex and sexuality that I really started to hate the word “masturbation” and began to crusade for a new term: solo sex. Solo sex and masturbation might mean the same thing, but psychologically and emotionally, “solo sex” evokes a much deeper feeling and meaning.
My sex therapist began talking with me about the idea of sex in marriage as being a building. In order to build a house, you have to have walls. Those walls are made up of your solo identities as partners. You have to know and understand yourself first. The roof is essentially your sex life together as a couple. However, without the walls, that sex life as a couple is at risk of falling apart. Without a true understanding of what you enjoy and what feels good, it makes partnered sex that much more difficult.
Your solo sexual identity is also a place where you can derive inspiration. My solo sex usually centers around some kind of literotica and masturbation. It takes reading something kind of kinky to get me going.
“Masturbation” really just isn’t the right word when it comes to considering solo sexual experiences.
Most women don’t realize they are aroused, when they really are. In the book, A Billion Wicked Thoughts, Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam note that women often are aroused, but it takes them getting their minds into it to realize it. There was an interesting study done with a number of women that analyzed the correlation between when the women felt aroused and if they knew they were. Notably, many of the women who were aroused didn’t realize they were. This was compared to the examples of men in the study who typically knew they were aroused.
For me, literotica is the “lube” in a sense. It is what helps me recognize when I’m aroused, and if I’m not, it helps me get there. It also is a source of great inspiration for things to do with my partner. I have discovered through my literotica reading that I am a thrill-seeker. As a result, my sex therapist has often suggested finding different places to “get going” or role-playing different scenarios to help get us both in the mood.
Without this solo sex identity and recognizing its place, my sexual relationship with my partner probably wouldn’t be as rich.
“Masturbation” really just isn’t the right word when it comes to considering solo sexual experiences. Your solo sex identity is so much more than just masturbation. Without better language, our solo sexual identities might still be this mythical thing that no one talks about but everyone has (if they know it or not).
When we refuse to recognize our solo sexual identities, we cheat ourselves out of what really can be a rich and beautiful way of interacting and learning more about ourselves through touch and through experience.
