Navigating My Health Anxiety
Racing hearts and racing minds can make the shadows difficult to overcome. Been there?
Mortality.
How does that word make you feel? It can be a scary word for many of us. Yet, it’s something that others don’t seem to give a second thought about. For me, it's the former. Despite being fit by society’s standard, I’ve always worried much more than I’ve needed to.
A recent health event triggered led me to genuinely believe that my current age may just be the final number of my book… 53. That’s a long way from the number I have set my life goal at, 100. The unexpected experience really shook me, and to say the least, has since instilled a deep sense of gratitude for every day.
It started with some weird sharp chest pains. Googling didn’t help because according to the searches I did, I had virtually every illness I could think of, specifically heart disease. My posts encouraged me to go to ER. So what did I do?
I went to ER! But the results of the EKG were good. Wonderful right!? Yes! But that reassurance was what I needed and must have lasted… about a day. As soon as I felt those uncomfortable pangs again, I was back to square one.
While it hasn’t been formerly diagnosed, I have health anxiety.
Health anxiety was previously referred to as hypochondria, but more recently, Somatic Symptom Disorder (or SSD). It is a mental health condition characterized by excessive worrying and fear of having or developing a serious illness, despite having no or only mild physical symptoms. In other words, someone who notices a freckle on their skin but sees a Stage 4 Melanoma!
Individuals with health anxiety often misinterpret physical sensations and normal bodily functions as signs of a serious medical condition. This leads to constant seeking of reassurance from healthcare professionals or performing self-diagnosis through researching symptoms online as mentioned. Try to avoid this!
For example, here’s a snippet into the mind of someone with health anxiety on any given day:
Thought: “I feel a twinge in my chest.”
Response Thought: “That’s got to be an oncoming heart attack!”
Thought: “I have a Headache.”
Response Thought: “Surely, that’s not a brain tumor I can feel coming on?”
Thought: “I feel a pain in my tummy.”
Response Thought: “Good grief, do I have stomach cancer?”
Yes, it’s quite exhausting.
So, after a second EKG cleared me again, I went to my GP to try and understand what was going on. She thought it would be best to take a stress test. I agreed and did it, thinking it would definitely put my mind to rest that I didn’t have a heart issue.
In a follow-up call, my doctor said that she noticed an ‘ST depression’. An ST depression on an electrocardiogram (EKG) represents a decrease in the electrical activity in the heart’s ventricles. In other words, it could indicate an issue like a blockage.
Tell that to someone with health anxiety and see how they are after that! The next step was she wanted me to do a “Nuclear Stress Test.” Fair enough. I was more worried about the “nuclear” part than any heart issue. Surely, this would rule out any issues and then I’d have peace of mind and could go about my business?
Nuclear Stress Test Day comes in and we get it done and dusted. Easy! Then soon after GP shares that they are not sure, but there, “could be a small blockage.” However, they are not sure because it’s in an area where there is sometimes a false positive.
O-M-G! My Health Anxiety Needle is off the charts.
The Cardiologist and GP decide to take it up a notch and to rule out anything sinister, and a CT Angiogram would be recommended. I put Google into overdrive into checking what this was and the effects. But not only that, it was a 4-month waiting list (the downside of the amazing Canadian Universal Health Care system).
Fast-forward a nail-biting 4 months to last week and the day comes. The CT Angiogram happens. It would be 7 days until I had a follow-up meeting with the Cardiologist to hear the news…
’To stent, or not to stent?’ That is the question…
But 3 hours after the test, I’m in the car waiting for my wife to come out so we can go grocery shopping and an email pops up from the hospital.
Email Subject: Results of the CT. My lord that was quick and unexpected! I assumed they would send such sensitive and potentially life-changing information to the doctors only to dumb down for me.
I clicked on the message. Damn…
3 long pages of results. My heart is pounding and I’m scanning through it, not understanding half the medical terms and looking for something layman that would just tell me what I needed to know…
Finally, on the last page, last paragraph…
“No evidence of coronary artery disease.”
<cue a flood of tears>.
Just as I read that part my wife jumps in the car. She sees the tears, thinks the worst and just holds my hand. Desperate to tell her that these are tears of relief, I force my quivering voice out, “I’m OK and clear.” It was a very emotionally charged day.
I was recently watching RuPaul’s Drag Race and there was a scene where the contestants lined up and were after successfully progressing to a final part of the show. RuPaul would line the girls up and have a photo of each of them when they were a child in front of them.
She’d ask each, one by one:
“When you see this picture of yourself as a child, what advice would you give to them if you could, knowing what know now?”
A powerful question that without fail, almost every one of them would struggle through some tears to answer. It made me choke up a little too. They were usually words of encouragement and these were fitting words given the struggles that they had obviously gone through. They were words that were fought and won for because after each of their trials and tribulations. There they were, on stage on a global television show giving advice to their younger selves.
Even though they, of course, couldn’t actually go back in time and give this life-changing advice to their younger selves, they knew they were giving it to others in the same position at that age that was listening. It was powerful stuff indeed.
It got me thinking, what would I say to my own 10-year-old self if I could go back in time?
I know what I would say.
It would be, “Stop worrying. Everything will be OK. You are fine.” It’s time to allay those fears for good and I think this clear result will do it.
They would be my words, and I would listen to them because it was me. The incessant worrying about my health just isn’t needed. So now when I think ahead to when I’m living my final page. Page 100. I wonder what would my 100-year-old self say to me now, my 53-year-old self of today?
I don’t know for sure what it will be, but I have a feeling the message will be the same.
“Stop worrying. Everything will be OK. You are fine”.
So if you find yourself over-worrying and have gotten yourself checked out and cleared, let me say this to you. Stop worrying. Everything will be OK. You are fine. Your book doesn’t end here. This is not the last page, not by a long shot.
So relax, and live a good life. Open that bottle of wine. Go on that vacation. Tell that person you love them. Try that new thing that has been scaring you. Continue to write each page of your book, and make it an amazing bestseller.
I promise you, many will be reading it, including me.
