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It’s Bikini Body Season! So What Should I Do With My Regular Body?
My body is the one thing I’ve held onto all these years — and I’m not about to let it go now
Summer’s almost here! Which means the gyms, and the magazines, and the manufacturers of body lotion, and the boyfriends, and the blunt friends, and the bored moms, and the faceless drones behind corporate social media accounts belonging to brands that dabble in bikini body season accoutrement would like to know—are dying to know—if the general public (actually, just women) are ready.
Not ready for summer, though — ready for bikini body season. If you’re unaware, it’s a fifth season invented by Anna Wintour, probably, and it coincides with summer—which is unfortunate for bikini body season. It’s sort of like sharing your birthday with Jesus. Not that we should feel bad for bikini body season, it’s dug its own grave by being terrible.
Observing this season, for example, requires at least six months of intensive training and prep work {do learn to perform squats using dining room furniture; don’t eat positive calorie foods after three p.m.}. It calls for sun-kissed skin before your legs have even seen the light of day and ridding yourself of any dimples that do not appear on the face. It requires dedication, and deprivation, and…
