Letters to Selves

Dear 15-year-old self,

It was not your fault.

It was not your fault that your parents drifted apart. It was not your fault when they raised their hands on each other and you saw your father shed tears for the very first time. It was not your fault when you decided — when they decided — it will never be the same again.

Dear 16-year-old self,

It was not your fault.

It was not your fault when the cousin you loved the most tarnished your innocence with one stroke of his hands, painting your soul with scars that fill your monochromatic nightmares even today. It was not your fault when he cajoled you in to his embrace, promising that this is just the way to express love. It was not your fault when your mother and your sister told you, “That’s just the way men are. Ignore.”

Dear 17-year-old self,

It was not your fault.

It was not your fault that he insulted you, damaging you beyond repair, destroying your once strong selfdom. It was not your fault that he treated you like his sex slave. It was not your fault that he used his words like blades that scraped and skinned your very existence. It was not your fault that you changed to make him happy.

Dear 18-year-old self,

It was not your fault.

It was not your fault that you left him for another. It was not your fault for thinking, “this time, it will be different.” It was not your fault that you fell in love. It was not your fault that this time it was indeed different. This time he destroyed you with his silence.

Dear 19-year-old self,

It was not your fault.

It was not your fault that you needed more. It was not your fault that you finally broke the silence that deafened your soul. It was not your fault that you cut him loose, not realizing that you cut away pieces of yourself, too. It was not your fault that you were never whole again.

Dear 20-year-old self,

It was not your fault.

It was not your fault when you decided to fill your void with passionless kisses and vapid conversations with men you knew would never be good enough. It was not your fault when even after a year, your thoughts still ran back to him, for that was your safe haven. It was not your fault that even after all this time, he still held you hostage.

Dear 20-years-10-months-15-days-old self,

It was your fault.

It was your fault that you kept telling yourself, “It is not my fault.” It was your fault. It was your fault that you blamed everybody and everything for making you who you are today. It was your fault for letting others define your happiness. It was your fault that you never learned from your mistakes. And it is your fate that you finally understood.

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