Member-only story
Motherhood, In Waiting
A story about a colposcopy, crackers, and the slow opening toward motherhood
“The cervix is quite forgiving,” the nurse tells me as she takes my blood pressure.
“I guess it has to be,” I joke back.
I try to sound calm, but I can already feel my stomach tensing.
“Have you ever had a colposcopy before?”
When I respond that I haven’t, the nurse goes through what to expect. Some cramping and bleeding afterwards is common. Refrain from intense physical activity for about 24 hours. Otherwise, I’m clear to go about my business after the procedure.
I look at the wall of pamphlets across from me advertising the spectrum of fertility, from prevention to conception. My eyes land on a birth control pamphlet with a woman smiling widely as she dances through her (presumably) childless life. The pamphlet next to it features a couple holding a newborn in an advertisement for a free birthing class.
Until now, I’d always been more aligned with the women on the birth control pamphlets. My focus had been on my education, and then my career. I wanted kids, but the idea felt more like a cloud in the distance — visible, but too far to feel its rain or shadow over me. Maybe one day. But not today.
