My Eating Disorder Wears Many Masks
Every time I think I’m recovered, I find my eating disorder hiding somewhere new
CW: Eating disordered behavior.
My knee is all messed up.
My sister, who is an athletic trainer, says it’s most likely a PCL sprain, the less intense counterpart of an ACL tear. It hurts if I walk or stand for too long. It hurts if I overextend the knee joint. It hurts if I sit in the gargoyle-like, curled up posture that feels most comfortable to my autistic little brain. It hurts if I do anything but keep my knee elevated and ever-so-slightly bent. It’s been hurting for a couple weeks now and I’m starting to flip out.
Every online resource says I shouldn’t run, walk, or use an exercise bike if my PCL is sprained. If I want it to heal, I have to take it easy. That scares me a lot. I need exercise to get out my anxiety. I need long walks or runs to clear my head. It’s a mental health issue, I swear — it’s not anything compulsive or unhealthy, not this time. I just need to get all my frenetic energy out. I need to stay in good mental shape. I need to stay in good physical shape. I need to stay healthy inside and out. I need to keep moving.
Oh, fuck. This isn’t actually about mental health, is it?
