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My Family Still Believes I’m a Straight Christian
Leading a double life with an unknown expiration date is challenging, to say the least
Hello, my name is Zuva. I am 23 years old and there are two distinct versions of me. To my friends and online community, I am an atheist, bisexual woman. But my family still thinks I am a practicing Christian heterosexual. This year would make it around five years since I initiated this deception.
I was never the best believer. Throughout my life, I always held doubts that I would bring with me every week to bible study. For example, it always bothered me that the location of my birth had been the decider of my faith. Surely you can’t get a ticket to eternal damnation just because you haven’t heard of Jesus or follow a different faith? How do you go about choosing the right faith? I wondered, constantly questioning the benevolence of God.
Nevertheless, Christianity was a badge I wore with honor. Throughout high school I was known as “The Christian.” When it came to my sexuality, I was self-certified as non-homophobic, but still sincerely believed it was a choice. Why? Because at 15, I had made that choice, not yet understanding the intricacies and nuances of bisexuality. I had consciously taken my ability to only focus on one side of my identity as evidence of a choice being made.
And I was content in my bubble. However, when engaged in religious studies, the weak foundations of my designated religion began to erode with every lesson. By sixth form (what Americans would call high school), my queries had carried me over to agnosticism.
But as my faith continued to crumble, my security in my sexuality continued to grow. And finally, after years of battling biphobia, I came out to friends. It was right around this time that one of my friends asked if I would ever come out to my family. My immediate response was to laugh.
I can count on my hands and feet the number of pastors and religious leaders that are in my family. As first-generation Africans, there is a culture of “accepted homophobia” in the ranks, though it’s not thought of as such, but something more like, “the fight for purity and preservation of life in an increasingly sodomitic world.”
