My Husband Coming Out as Bisexual Changed Our Lives
I knew my partner was entering our marriage having had sexual experiences with men. As a teenager, he had experimented with other teenagers, and he continued dabbling as a young man. His curiosity wasn’t surprising: his father is gay, his parents divorced when he was three, and his mother is on her third husband. He must have been sexually confused, right? All perfectly understandable.
We fell in love and married, had two kids, a dog and two cats. We started off as artists but soon plunged into more stable positions so that we would have steady incomes while raising the children.
We were very attracted to each other sexually and in the beginning of our relationship we had sex often.
To keep things fresh and fun we dabbled in role play and dominant / submissive games. I would show up at the front door in a short skirt pretending I was the babysitter for the night. For a time, under his persuasion, I tried being the Mistress, giving him spankings when he was a bad boy. We even spoke and fantasized about going to a local sex club.
We tried to keep our relationship new and exciting, but there were patterns that were slowly destroying it. Raising children and their need for independence was part of our disassociation with each other. Being in the relationship for twelve years was another part. He would blame me and I would blame him. “You never initiate,” he would say. “You are not affectionate enough,” I would retort. We would argue, he would become angry and pull away and I would withhold sexually, sometimes for weeks. Eventually one of us would break down the barrier by giving in and apologizing. We would have sex and then get on with our day to day, really not diving into any depth about how all the tension was created in the first place. It would slowly begin to build again, the same routine starting with the same accusations.
This pattern went on for a number of years. The children were getting older and going to sleepovers, which presented us with alone time: this seemed to highlight our problems even more especially when we were in no-contact mode.
At one point, after another rollercoaster of no talking, no sex, and no communication, I became increasingly concerned about how long this would continue. It was exhausting and we just couldn’t seem to break free. Something was seriously wrong. Then he broke the news.
He drove me to a secluded place at the top of a local mountain, where he revealed that he had been exploring with men behind my back. He said he needed to find out what was going on for him, who he really was and why he had such strong desires for men.
I was devastated. I thought all his m2m experimentation had been exhausted in his younger years. What really disappointed me, though, was the cheating and lying. I truly thought I knew this man and could completely trust him. How did we get to this point?
I had to dig deep in order to make a decision about what to do next. Once I got through the layers of anger, I became jealous that he had had the guts to go out and experiment sexually. I had fantasized about having sex with other men, being with a woman, couple, or in a group — but I had never acted on it. I was married, after all, and being married meant being monogamous. But now here was my husband, exploring sexually without me.
As I lay in bed for a number of days, crushed by what had just happened, I realized and was able to admit to myself that I had never been comfortable with the idea of monogamy. His whole coming out to me, as difficult as it was to hear about his secret explorations, made me recognize an opportunity to create something different for our relationship. With this in mind I concluded two things: one, I wanted to be with this man because I still loved him; and two, in order for the relationship to survive we would have to end it and start anew.
I wanted to dump the “married” concept. We decided that we would be together only because we want to. We will free each other to do whatever we want and we will both explore sexually as we please.
He was more than surprised by my verdict; he really had thought his indiscretions would warrant me leaving. I did think about leaving and starting my life fresh on my own. But I resolved that a few flings could not wipe out all that we had created over the years and that it had to be worth at least exploring other options, possibly trying something more drastic, something that would allow me the sexual freedom he had started to give himself.
It took time to work through limitations I had put on myself and the fears about allowing myself this freedom. I am a wife. I am a mother of two children. People saw us as a normal, heterosexual couple. Could I allow myself to be a sexually explorative woman as well? I was determined to allow this part of myself surface. I wanted to open up as he had, seeing where this journey would take me.
Our explorations started with having a threesome — me and two bi men. I was terrified the first time. Could I do it? What about diseases, our safety, the kids? I was somewhat calmed when my husband indicated to me that I have all the power. If I wanted to leave at anytime, even if I didn’t like the color of the guy’s carpet or if we were in the middle of fucking, we would.
My excitement and curiosity managed to carry me through agreeing to the first meeting. I was shaking when we arrived at his apartment but was relieved to see that he was my type: cute, muscular, friendly, and clean. OK, maybe I can do this.
After being fondled, kissed, licked, and penetrated by two sexy men, and having the most incredible sexual experience of my life, my whole system of beliefs about marriage and monogamy turned upside down.
We have now been married for twenty years and we have never been so much in love. My husband is my partner in crime. We cherish the freedom we have given each other and I have become a sexy, open woman who feels deeply and passionately. My confidence has blossomed as my self-acceptance has grown.
Our sex life is mind blowing. I have sexual fantasies and my partner helps me make them happen. Together we have the most intense and exciting connection I ever thought possible. I allow myself to go deeper, exploring my body, my desires. I have experienced levels of orgasm I never knew existed and just when I think I have reached the pinnacle of my sexual exploration, something new arises from below and pulls me deeper into erotic explosions.
That day on the top of the mountain, when he revealed to me his bisexuality, changed my life. I would have never been able to predict that by being vulnerable and taking risks in our relationship we would fall deeper in love. I go back to moments like that when I am unsure about what to do or where to turn and I know clearly now that often the most unfamiliar path can lead to the greatest rewards.
My husband’s book, Confessions of a Bisexual Husband, details our experiences as we re-created our marriage to accommodate the need for continued sexual growth. It’s a sexy, entertaining, tell-all story, and it is our hope that the book inspires others to take leaps in their relationships and explorations of life.
Lianna Walden is a Sex and Relationship Coach working with singles and couples to enhance their intimate and sexual relationships. There are always new levels to explore. www.liannawalden.com
