Oh, Daddy, How I Wish I Could Save You
A letter to my father, who happened to be Bipolar with Schizophrenic tendencies when abusing drugs. A letter from the child who saw the good in him.
Trigger warning — Mentions of drug abuse, child neglect, Mental Illness
Dear Daddy,
Oh, Daddy, I wish I could have protected you from the emotions you were burying within yourself. I wish I could have saved you from the stress of being a teen parent of two.
I felt distressed when I watched you get lost in your brain, knowing I couldn’t help you. I wish that I could do something, anything to protect you from yourself.
You see Daddy, I knew you were sick. I knew you shouldn’t be left alone with your thoughts, or they would consume your soul. I took care of you when no one else would.
I made sure you ate food, drank water, and got good rest. Sometimes, the sleep I allowed you was too long, I grew hungry and could barely fend for myself. I’m sorry I had to wake you.
You see I wish you could have reached your full potential as a father. That you could have taken care of me like you were supposed to. How sad I would be watching you drinking with your friends, knowing that they wouldn’t help you if they truly saw what you felt. I saw your tears, Daddy.
As your firstborn daughter, I knew my job was to care for my broken family. I took that job seriously, and I failed. You are the smartest man I know. You should have done great things with your life. The sickness you had destroyed you and I could do nothing.
I watched as you destroyed your relationship with your family and the mothers of my sisters. I broke when you betrayed the trust of my sisters and therefore mine. I wished you would wake up and realize what was real and what was fake. The life you were only just starting to build was destroyed by the time I turned seventeen.
I watched the life fade from you. Your actions became jumpy and erratic, there were more bad days than okay days. And sometimes I wished you would be released from your pain. That you would magically be cured, and we could be a happy normal family. But now I can never forget.
I am the firstborn, and I tried to save you as I believed my birthright to have been. My young mind didn’t understand the cost of trying could destroy me. That I may have lost myself in trying to save you.
Oh, Daddy, how much you underestimated me. I had experienced more than no child should have and yet, I am still standing. I had to grow up and let you go. Now I hope you read this letter and know; I still miss you. The real you. But I am done waiting for you to come and save me from this shell you have become.
I am the firstborn, and I have others that are more deserving of salvation. I have my sisters that you left, my mother that you harmed, my grandparents that you abused, and my child self that you have forgotten.
Let this be a letter to you Daddy, wherever you are, as I now have to go visit my father today.
Love,
Your daughter who couldn’t save you.
