Member-only story
You Don’t Have to Choose One Part of Yourself
Logic dictates ‘this or that,’ but real life begs for nuance
I have always had a hard time with both and neither. It’s either on or off. We’re friends or we’re not. I love it or I don’t. I’m all in or completely out.
I don’t know how to have acquaintances. People are friends, hope-to-be friends, or I-feel-bad-we’re-not-closer friends. But not everyone wants or needs to be close. There are levels, mountains, spheres, or something like that. Or so they tell me.
I think this way of living in sum totals comes from a childhood split in half.
My parents parted ways when I was four years old, and I have no memory of being both Sara and Iain’s daughter. (Or would it be Iain and Sara’s daughter? I’ve never heard their names uttered as a couple, so I don’t know what they used.) In a way, it was easier that I never knew what it felt like. The division of the world was easier to bear.
I was either my mom’s or my dad’s, never both. I was one or the other, and my identity changed every Sunday. I had to choose. Who do I love more today? Who do I disappoint today?
I was interested in logic from the beginning. When I played logic games, I always tried to solve the questions faster than my mom. I always won. I ate it…
