Member-only story
On Shame, Survival, and Coming Back Home to My Body
Facing cancer after an eating disorder was hard, but it also helped me see that my health issues are not my fault
As of March 17, 2019, I am a one-year survivor of ovarian cancer. I am deeply grateful for this. Ovarian cancer is the deadliest of all gynecological cancers, and I am one of the lucky ones who has access to top-tier treatment and a deeply supportive community. But I am surviving more than cancer — I am also surviving an eating disorder.
I tell you this because I am proud of it, finally. Proud to say that I am here because I want to be, proud that I have chosen survival. Proud that I have chosen to thrive. It’s reasonably easy to be proud of surviving cancer — our culture has lots of colorful ribbons and 5Ks to help us out — but with eating disorders, it’s a different story.
With eating disorders, our culture tells us we are damaged, self-centered, and shallow. It tells us it’s our fault we are like this, our fault we can’t control ourselves, our fault we are so obsessed with how we look. When I say “we,” I mean we who have ever tried to control or manage our bodies, we who have brought our bodies to the brink of extinction in hopes of gaining illusory control. We the eating disordered ones.
