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Killing Giants
Playing ‘Shadow of the Colossus’ opened within me a shame that fictional violence had never provoked before
The first time I thought of video game designer Fumito Ueda, I didn’t know his name. I was transitioning to that nebulous space between childhood and adulthood, where you’re both yet neither, where your body’s flooded with hormones and you can’t help but habitually avoid mirrors.
Watching the commercials bisecting Dragon Ball Z on Toonami, I heard a fire burning, a door opening, and a child entering what seemed like a large church. The boy had horns, or a helmet with horns, and a glowing white girl followed him. Then flashes of gameplay: the boy dragging the girl, fighting shadows, navigating this enormous castle or cathedral or whatever it was, and then a title — Ico. I had a PS2 back then but not the means to buy a game. But I wanted that game. I wanted it despite my fear to ever show interest in anything, my desperation for so many things. I didn’t want my parents to know about the howling need in me. Didn’t want my siblings to know what I liked. Didn’t even want my friends to know. Didn’t want to become vulnerable to their judgment. Even that day, watching Dragon Ball Z, I reflexively changed the channel when I heard someone approaching—didn’t want anyone to know I was…
