Member-only story
My Past, Present, and Future as a Mom
Losing my baby taught me just how resilient I am
I was pregnant with a love baby. I’m not anymore. Even writing that, saying that, stings in a way that’s hard to describe. I have two beautiful children; two blessings I am grateful for, who I cherish. But the idea of a love baby made my family feel complete.
A baby who would connect my past, present, and future. A baby who would connect my daughters to their bonus dad as only a sibling could. Not a desperation baby, not a trying-to-save-the-marriage baby, not a need-someone-to-love-me-unconditionally baby. A baby made so completely from the most beautiful relationship, a true partnership in every sense of the word. When I told Jeff, he leaned down, kissed my belly, smiled, and said, “My baby is having my baby!” A love baby.
For weeks I smiled, carrying around this secret. My children, unaware of what was growing inside me but somehow tuned in, talked constantly about getting a boy or girl baby. To their little minds, it was so simple. They wanted a brother, and if they kept telling Jeff and me, they just might get one.
I started telling a few people. I was so excited about this love baby. My previous pregnancies and births were gift wrapped with cheating scandals and swaddled in postpartum depression. I had a real partner…
