This Is Us
Pondering a Future Alone
How would it feel to be single for the rest of my life?
What would happen if I’m single for the rest of my life? Is it possible that somehow, I might not meet someone who feels compatible? Is it possible that I might not like someone as much as they like me, or vice versa? That there’s just not someone who would be a good fit?
What would it be like if I lived alone for the rest of my life? Would it become harder for me to be flexible and accommodating of other’s needs? Would I ever get over those moments of panic when I feel a major illness coming on or get injured and realize that I’ll have to spend days or even weeks trying to fend for myself? Would I ever stop feeling afraid after major snow storms when I worry I’ll be trapped at home alone when the power might go off, when pipes might freeze?
How would I deal with my car breaking down? A mouse infestation in the garage? All the repairs I want to make and things I want to build that I don’t know how to do and/or cannot do, physically, by myself?
What if a window breaks? What if ice dams form on the roof and cause massive damage to the walls? What if the bathtub cracks or the dishwasher starts leaking?
What if I get sick one day and can’t work for a long time? How would I pay the bills, once my small savings ran out? How would I cook for myself? What if I needed to go to urgent care or the emergency room in the middle of the night? Who would drive me?
What if I only had my friends as a source of affection for the rest of my life? Would that be enough? What if the only hugs I got were from them? If the only dinners I shared were with them? What if I really needed someone to sit with me or help me with a big project and they were busy with their own lives?
What if I spend the next few decades getting onto and off of dating apps in an endless cycle, swiping right and leaving notes and comments, only to find that the time I spent on it comes to nothing? What if the rest of my life is filled with this frustrating combination of longing and dread, thinking maybe it’s possible that I could meet someone through this venue while also thinking it’s not something that appeals to my personality, and therefore…
